How To Stop Taking Your Spouse For Granted: A Complete Guide to Rekindling Appreciation in Your Marriage

When was the last time you truly noticed your spouse? Not just a passing glance or a perfunctory “how was your day,” but really saw them, appreciated them, and expressed genuine gratitude for their presence in your life? If you’re struggling to remember, you’re not alone. Taking your spouse for granted is one of the most common yet insidious problems in long-term relationships, quietly eroding the foundation of even the strongest marriages.

The good news? Recognizing this pattern is the first critical step toward change. In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore why we fall into the trap of taking our partners for granted, the warning signs to watch for, and most importantly, practical strategies you can implement today to restore appreciation, gratitude, and vitality to your marriage.

Understanding Why We Take Our Spouses for Granted

Before we can address the problem, we need to understand its roots. Taking your spouse for granted isn’t typically a conscious choice or a sign that you’ve stopped loving them. Instead, it’s often a natural consequence of human psychology meeting the realities of daily life.

The Comfort Paradox

One of the beautiful aspects of a committed relationship is the comfort and security it provides. You build a life together, develop routines, and create a safe space where you can be your authentic self. However, this same comfort can become a double-edged sword. When we feel secure in our relationship, our brains naturally shift attention to other concerns—work deadlines, financial worries, children’s needs, or personal ambitions.

Psychologists call this “hedonic adaptation,” the tendency of humans to return to a baseline level of happiness despite positive or negative changes. In marriage, this means the excitement and novelty that characterized your early relationship gradually fades into comfortable familiarity. Your spouse becomes part of the background of your life rather than the central focus.

The Routine Trap

Modern life demands efficiency. We create routines to manage our countless responsibilities, from morning coffee rituals to bedtime procedures. While routines provide structure and reduce decision fatigue, they can transform our relationships into autopilot mode. When you’ve kissed your spouse goodbye at the door a thousand times, it becomes muscle memory rather than a conscious act of affection.

The Assumption of Permanence

Deep down, many of us operate under the unconscious belief that our spouse will always be there. This assumption of permanence—while reflecting a certain faith in the relationship—can lead to complacency. We postpone expressions of love, delay important conversations, and neglect small gestures of appreciation because we believe there will always be time later.

The Warning Signs: Are You Taking Your Spouse for Granted?

Awareness is the foundation of change. Here are the telltale signs that you may be taking your spouse for granted:

You’ve stopped saying thank you. When your spouse does everyday tasks—cooking dinner, doing laundry, managing household bills, or caring for children—do you acknowledge these efforts, or have they become invisible expectations?

You’re more polite to strangers than to your partner. We often reserve our best behavior for colleagues, acquaintances, and even service workers, while our spouse receives our irritability, impatience, and lack of courtesy.

You prioritize everything else. Work projects, social media, hobbies, and even household chores consistently take precedence over quality time with your spouse.

You’ve stopped making an effort. Whether it’s physical appearance, planning dates, or showing interest in their day, you’ve relaxed into a state of minimal effort.

You don’t celebrate their wins. When your spouse shares good news or accomplishments, your response is lukewarm or distracted rather than genuinely enthusiastic.

You focus on what’s wrong rather than what’s right. Your mental ledger emphasizes what your spouse didn’t do or could do better, rather than appreciating what they contribute.

You’ve stopped being curious. You assume you know everything about your partner and don’t ask questions or show genuine interest in their evolving thoughts, dreams, and experiences.

If you recognized yourself in several of these signs, don’t despair. Awareness means you’re already moving toward positive change.

The Cost of Taking Your Spouse for Granted

Before diving into solutions, it’s important to understand what’s at stake. Taking your spouse for granted isn’t a harmless oversight—it carries real consequences that can fundamentally damage your relationship.

Emotional Disconnection

When someone feels unappreciated, they naturally begin to withdraw emotionally. Your spouse may stop sharing their innermost thoughts, dreams, and concerns. They create emotional distance as a protective mechanism, leading to a relationship that feels more like a business partnership than a romantic union.

Resentment and Bitterness

Unacknowledged efforts and contributions breed resentment. Over time, small slights accumulate into significant bitterness. Your spouse may begin keeping score, feeling undervalued, and questioning why they continue to invest so much in a relationship where they feel invisible.

Loss of Intimacy

Emotional distance inevitably affects physical and sexual intimacy. When someone doesn’t feel appreciated, valued, or seen by their partner, vulnerability becomes difficult. Intimacy requires feeling safe and cherished—exactly what disappears when we’re taken for granted.

Vulnerability to Outside Attention

A spouse who feels underappreciated at home becomes more vulnerable to attention and validation from outside sources. This doesn’t excuse infidelity, but it’s a reality that when our primary relationship doesn’t meet our emotional needs, we become more susceptible to connections that make us feel valued.

The Slow Drift Apart

Perhaps most dangerously, taking each other for granted creates a slow, almost imperceptible drift. You wake up one day and realize you’re living parallel lives in the same house, more like roommates than soulmates. The relationship hasn’t exploded in dramatic fashion—it’s simply eroded away.

How to Stop Taking Your Spouse for Granted: Practical Strategies

Now for the heart of the matter: concrete, actionable strategies you can implement immediately to restore appreciation and vitality to your marriage.

Practice Daily Gratitude

Gratitude is a muscle that strengthens with use. Start each day by identifying three specific things you appreciate about your spouse. Not generic statements like “they’re nice,” but concrete observations: “I appreciate how they made coffee this morning without being asked,” or “I’m grateful for how they listened to me vent about work yesterday.”

Consider keeping a gratitude journal dedicated to your spouse. Research shows that the simple act of writing down what we’re grateful for rewires our brains to notice more positive aspects of our relationships. Even better, share one of these appreciations directly with your spouse each day.

The key is specificity. Generic praise feels hollow; specific appreciation feels genuine and demonstrates that you’re actually paying attention.

Verbalize Your Appreciation

Don’t assume your spouse knows you appreciate them. Make it a practice to verbalize gratitude regularly. “Thank you for making dinner tonight,” “I appreciate how you handled that situation with the kids,” or “I notice all you do to keep our household running smoothly” are simple phrases with powerful impact.

According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, successful couples maintain a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Expressions of appreciation are some of the most powerful positive interactions available to you.

Make your appreciation timely and specific. Don’t wait weeks to acknowledge something—express gratitude in the moment or shortly after. And explain exactly what you’re grateful for and why it matters to you.

Resurrect Date Nights

Remember when you first started dating? You planned special outings, dressed up, and gave each other your undivided attention. Recreate that intentionality through regular date nights. These don’t need to be expensive or elaborate—what matters is dedicated, quality time together.

Set a recurring date night on your calendar. Treat it as seriously as you would an important work meeting. No cancellations unless genuinely unavoidable, and definitely no letting it slide because you’re tired or have other things to do.

During date nights, implement a “no phones” rule and avoid discussing logistics, problems, or household management. Focus instead on enjoying each other’s company, having meaningful conversations, and reconnecting as romantic partners rather than co-managers of life’s responsibilities.

Rotate who plans the date to keep things interesting and to demonstrate mutual investment in the relationship. The planning itself is an act of thoughtfulness that communicates “you matter to me.”

Ask Questions and Listen Actively

One of the clearest signs that we’ve stopped taking someone for granted is when we become curious about them again. Your spouse is constantly evolving—their thoughts, dreams, fears, and perspectives shift over time. When was the last time you asked them a meaningful question?

Try implementing a practice of asking one thoughtful question daily. This might be “What was the best part of your day?” “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something new you’ve learned recently?”

More importantly, practice active listening when they answer. This means putting away distractions, making eye contact, and responding with follow-up questions that demonstrate genuine interest. Resist the urge to immediately relate everything back to yourself or to problem-solve unless they specifically ask for advice.

Active listening communicates a powerful message: “You are interesting to me. Your thoughts and experiences matter. I want to understand you more deeply.”

Prioritize Physical Affection

Physical touch is a powerful communicator of appreciation and connection. Yet in many marriages, physical affection diminishes to almost nothing outside of sexual encounters. Combat this by intentionally incorporating non-sexual physical affection into your daily routine.

Morning and evening hugs, holding hands while watching television, a kiss before leaving for work, a gentle touch on the shoulder while passing in the kitchen—these small gestures accumulate into a powerful sense of connection and appreciation.

Research shows that physical affection releases oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone,” which increases feelings of trust, empathy, and connection. Even brief moments of physical contact can significantly impact relationship satisfaction.

Make it a rule to always greet your spouse with physical affection when you see them after being apart. This simple practice immediately elevates them to a position of importance in your life.

Do Small Acts of Service

Love is often most powerfully communicated through actions rather than words. What small tasks could you take on to lighten your spouse’s load? Perhaps it’s handling a chore they typically do, making their favorite meal, filling their car with gas, or taking care of something they’ve been putting off.

The key is doing these acts without being asked and without expectation of recognition or reciprocation. These should be genuine gifts, not transactions. Acts of service say “I notice what you do, I recognize the burden you carry, and I want to make your life a little easier.”

Pay attention to what matters to your spouse. If they value a clean home, tidying up without being asked speaks volumes. If they’re stressed about work, preparing a nice dinner so they can relax communicates care. Thoughtful acts of service demonstrate that you’re paying attention to their needs and experiences.

Celebrate Their Victories

When your spouse experiences success—whether landing a big project, achieving a personal goal, or simply getting through a challenging day—celebrate with them. Your enthusiastic support and genuine happiness for their achievements communicates that you’re their biggest cheerleader.

This goes beyond a simple “that’s nice” or “good job.” Match their energy. If they’re excited, be excited with them. Ask questions about their achievement. Suggest celebrating in a meaningful way. Share their good news with others (with their permission) because you’re proud of them.

Dr. Shelly Gable’s research on “active constructive responding” shows that how we respond to a partner’s good news is more predictive of relationship quality than how we respond to bad news. Enthusiastic, engaged celebration strengthens relationships while distracted or minimizing responses damage them.

Break Routines Together

Novelty activates the same reward centers in our brains that were firing during the early stages of your relationship. Breaking out of routines and experiencing new things together can rekindle excitement and help you see your spouse with fresh eyes.

This doesn’t require expensive vacations or dramatic life changes. Try a new restaurant, explore a different neighborhood, take a class together, start a new hobby as a couple, or simply change up your usual Saturday routine. The point is to create shared experiences that pull you out of autopilot mode.

When you do new things together, you create new memories and associations. Your spouse becomes linked with novelty and excitement rather than just routine and predictability. This helps combat the hedonic adaptation that leads to taking them for granted.

Share Responsibilities Fairly

Nothing breeds resentment faster than an unfair division of labor. Take an honest inventory of who does what in your household. Include not just physical tasks but also mental and emotional labor—remembering appointments, planning activities, managing family relationships, and carrying the cognitive load of household management.

Have an open conversation about whether the current division feels fair and sustainable. Be willing to adjust and take on additional responsibilities, especially in areas your spouse finds particularly draining. Demonstrate through actions that you view the relationship as a true partnership.

Importantly, when you do take on tasks, do them without requiring management or direction from your spouse. Taking initiative rather than waiting to be told shows respect and genuine partnership.

Protect Your Relationship Time

In our busy lives, relationship time often gets whatever’s left after we’ve allocated energy to work, children, extended family, household management, and personal pursuits. Stop treating your marriage as the residual recipient of your time and energy.

Actively protect time for your relationship. This means sometimes saying no to work demands, social obligations, or even individual pursuits to prioritize your spouse. It means putting down your phone during dinner. It means choosing connection over distraction.

Your calendar reveals your true priorities. If weeks go by without dedicated time together, your actions communicate that everything else matters more than your marriage. Make relationship time non-negotiable.

Rediscover What You Love

It’s easy to focus on your spouse’s irritating habits or shortcomings, especially during stressful periods. Intentionally redirect your attention to what you love and admire about them. What qualities attracted you initially? What do they excel at? What unique perspectives or abilities do they bring to your life?

Try a weekly practice of identifying something you love, admire, or appreciate about your spouse’s character or personality—separate from what they do for you. Maybe it’s their sense of humor, their resilience in facing challenges, their kindness to others, or their passion for their interests.

Share these observations with your spouse. “I really admire how patient you are with difficult people” or “I love how you always find the humor in situations” communicates that you see them as a whole person, not just as someone who fulfills roles in your life.

Apologize and Make Repairs

If you recognize that you’ve been taking your spouse for granted, acknowledge it directly. A genuine apology—one that takes responsibility without defensiveness or excuses—can be incredibly healing.

Try something like: “I’ve realized that I’ve been taking you for granted, and I’m truly sorry. You do so much that I’ve stopped acknowledging, and I want to change that. I appreciate everything you do and who you are.”

Follow your apology with consistent behavioral change. Words without actions are empty. Show through your sustained efforts that you’re committed to appreciating your spouse more fully.

Cultivate Individual Growth

Paradoxically, one way to stop taking your spouse for granted is to maintain your own individual identity and pursuits. When you’re engaged in personal growth, hobbies, and friendships outside the relationship, you bring fresh energy and perspective back to your marriage.

Additionally, supporting your spouse’s individual pursuits demonstrates that you value them as a complete person beyond their roles in your life. Encourage their hobbies, friendships, and personal development goals. Show interest in their individual journey.

When both partners continue evolving as individuals, you maintain a sense of discovery about each other. Your spouse remains interesting because they’re not static—they’re growing and changing, and so are you.

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Practice Empathy

Step into your spouse’s shoes regularly. Consider their perspective, their challenges, and their emotional experience. When they seem irritable, instead of taking it personally, wonder what might be weighing on them. When they’re tired, acknowledge the demands they’ve been facing rather than adding to them.

Empathy transforms how we interact with our partners. It moves us from judgment and criticism to understanding and compassion. When you practice empathy, you naturally express more appreciation because you recognize the full scope of what your spouse experiences and contributes.

Try verbalizing your empathy: “That meeting sounds like it was really frustrating,” or “I can imagine how exhausting it must be to deal with all of that.” These statements communicate that you’re trying to understand their experience rather than just reacting to how it affects you.

Creating Lasting Change: Making Appreciation a Habit

Understanding these strategies is one thing; implementing them consistently is another. Here’s how to turn these insights into lasting habits that transform your relationship.

Start Small and Build

Don’t try to implement everything at once. Choose two or three strategies that resonate most with you and commit to practicing them consistently for thirty days. Research suggests it takes at least a month to establish a new habit, and relationship changes require sustained effort to feel authentic rather than forced.

You might start with daily gratitude journaling and verbalized appreciation, then add date nights once you’ve established those practices. Gradually incorporate additional strategies as earlier ones become natural.

Create Environmental Cues

Our environments shape our behavior more than we realize. Create physical reminders to appreciate your spouse. This might be a note on your bathroom mirror prompting morning appreciation, a phone alarm reminding you to text something positive during the day, or a scheduled calendar block for planning date activities.

These cues interrupt autopilot mode and redirect attention toward appreciation until the behavior becomes automatic.

Track Your Progress

Consider keeping a simple log of appreciative actions. This isn’t about creating pressure or obligation, but rather about maintaining awareness and accountability. You might note daily when you expressed gratitude, initiated physical affection, or engaged in meaningful conversation.

Tracking progress also provides positive reinforcement as you see patterns of change developing. It’s encouraging to look back over a week or month and see concrete evidence of increased appreciation in action.

Communicate About the Process

Share with your spouse that you’re working on being more appreciative and present in your relationship. This vulnerability itself is a form of appreciation—it communicates that the relationship matters enough to you that you’re actively investing in its improvement.

Your spouse may choose to join you in these efforts, turning appreciation into a mutual practice that compounds its benefits. Even if they don’t explicitly participate, knowing you’re making intentional efforts often inspires reciprocal behavior naturally.

Expect Imperfection

You’ll have days when you fall back into old patterns. You’ll forget to express appreciation, take things for granted, or let routines overtake connection. This is normal and doesn’t represent failure. The goal isn’t perfection but consistent effort and improvement over time.

When you notice you’ve slipped back into old habits, simply acknowledge it and recommit to your practices. Self-compassion is important here—beating yourself up wastes energy better spent on positive action.

Regularly Reassess

Set a recurring time—perhaps monthly or quarterly—to reflect on how your relationship is evolving. Ask yourself: Am I showing more appreciation? Does my spouse seem more valued and seen? What strategies are working well? What needs adjustment?

You might also ask your spouse directly how they’re experiencing your efforts. “Have you noticed me being more appreciative lately? What makes you feel most valued?” These conversations provide valuable feedback and keep you aligned with what actually matters to your partner.

Addressing Common Obstacles

Even with the best intentions, you’ll likely encounter obstacles. Here’s how to navigate common challenges:

“I’m Too Busy”

This is perhaps the most common obstacle, and the most important to address. Saying you’re too busy to appreciate your spouse reveals a prioritization problem, not a time problem. We make time for what we truly value.

Most appreciation strategies require minutes, not hours. A genuine “thank you” takes seconds. A morning hug takes five seconds. A text expressing appreciation takes thirty seconds. The issue isn’t time availability but attention and intention.

If you genuinely have overwhelming temporary demands, communicate this to your spouse while still finding small ways to show appreciation. “I know I’ve been completely swamped with this project, but I want you to know I see and appreciate everything you’re doing to hold things together.”

“My Spouse Doesn’t Appreciate Me Either”

This is a real and painful concern. The temptation is to withhold appreciation until you receive it—a natural impulse toward fairness and reciprocity. However, this approach creates a negative standoff where both partners wait for the other to change first.

Someone needs to break the cycle. Choose to be that person. Lead by example, not because it’s fair, but because you want a better relationship. Interestingly, sustained appreciation is often contagious—your consistent efforts frequently inspire reciprocal behavior.

That said, if you’re consistently expressing appreciation and receiving nothing in return, or if you’re facing deeper issues like contempt or emotional abuse, couple’s counseling may be necessary to address underlying dynamics.

Related Post: 6 Conflict Resolution Strategies for a Peaceful Marriage

“It Feels Forced or Fake”

Initially, intentional appreciation might feel awkward or contrived, especially if you’ve fallen into patterns of criticism or neutrality. This discomfort is normal when establishing any new behavior.

Push through the initial awkwardness. Authenticity develops with practice. Start with appreciations that feel most genuine, even if they’re small. As you train your attention to notice the positive, gratitude becomes more natural and spontaneous.

Also remember that your spouse benefits from hearing appreciation regardless of whether it feels perfectly natural to you. The positive impact on them—and subsequently on your relationship—justifies pushing past initial discomfort.

“What If Nothing Changes?”

Change in relationships rarely happens instantly or dramatically. You’re reversing patterns that may have developed over years, which requires patience and persistence.

Give your efforts at least two to three months before evaluating whether they’re making a difference. Watch for small signs of improvement—your spouse being more affectionate, sharing more openly, seeming happier around you, or reciprocating appreciation.

If you’ve sustained genuine efforts for several months and see absolutely no change or positive response, consider whether there are deeper relationship issues that need professional support. Sometimes patterns are too entrenched for couples to address alone, and there’s no shame in seeking help from a qualified therapist.

The Bigger Picture: Building a Culture of Appreciation

Ultimately, stopping taking your spouse for granted isn’t about implementing a checklist of strategies—it’s about cultivating a fundamental orientation of gratitude and appreciation in your relationship. It’s about viewing your spouse not as a permanent fixture or a means to meet your needs, but as an extraordinary person who chooses to share their life with you.

This shift in perspective transforms everything. When you see your spouse as someone who actively chooses you each day rather than someone obligated to be there, every action takes on new meaning. The dishes they wash become an act of partnership rather than an expectation. The patience they show becomes a gift rather than a given. Their continued presence in your life becomes something to marvel at rather than assume.

Marriage is a daily choice. Your spouse wakes up each morning and decides to continue building a life with you. That’s remarkable when you really consider it. They share their time, energy, heart, and body with you. They tolerate your flaws and love you despite knowing you completely. They invest their finite life energy into creating a relationship with you.

This deserves your attention, appreciation, and active effort—not someday when things slow down, but right now, today, in this moment.

Conclusion: The Relationship You Want Starts With You

Taking your spouse for granted is easy—it’s the natural drift of comfort and routine. But relationships don’t thrive on autopilot. They flourish through intentional attention, consistent effort, and active appreciation.

The good news is that you have tremendous power to transform your relationship, starting today. You don’t need your spouse to change first. You don’t need perfect circumstances or more time. You simply need to decide that your marriage deserves your best effort, and then follow through with consistent action.

Start small. Express one specific appreciation today. Make eye contact and really listen during your next conversation. Initiate a warm hug. Plan one special evening together. These small actions, repeated consistently, compound into extraordinary transformation.

Your spouse is a remarkable person worthy of appreciation. They contribute to your life in countless ways—some obvious, many subtle. They show up for you, support you, and share their life with you. Don’t let the gift of their presence become invisible through familiarity.

The relationship you want—one characterized by mutual appreciation, deep connection, and sustained love—is absolutely possible. It starts with seeing your spouse clearly again, acknowledging their value, and expressing your gratitude.

Today is a perfect day to begin. Your spouse is waiting to be seen, appreciated, and valued. Will you give them that gift?

Remember, the strongest relationships aren’t those without problems—they’re those where both partners consistently choose to appreciate, value, and invest in each other. Make that choice today, tomorrow, and every day forward. Your marriage will thank you for it.