How To Rekindle Intimacy After Having Kids: An Expert Guide to Reconnecting With Your Partner -

Becoming parents is one of life’s most profound transformations. While welcoming a child brings immeasurable joy, it also fundamentally reshapes your relationship in ways you might never have anticipated. The candlelit dinners give way to hurried meals between diaper changes.

The spontaneous weekend getaways become distant memories as your world revolves around nap schedules and pediatrician appointments. And that effortless intimacy you once shared? It often feels like it disappeared overnight, replaced by exhaustion, touched-out feelings, and the constant presence of tiny humans who seem to have a sixth sense for the worst possible timing.

If you’re reading this, you’re likely feeling the distance that has crept into your relationship since becoming parents. You might be wondering if you’ll ever feel connected to your partner again, or if this is simply the new normal you’ll have to accept. The good news is that countless couples successfully navigate this transition and emerge with deeper, more meaningful intimacy than before.

The key is understanding that rekindling intimacy after kids isn’t about returning to who you were before children—it’s about creating a new kind of connection that honors who you’ve both become as parents and partners.

Understanding Why Intimacy Changes After Having Children

Before diving into solutions, it’s essential to understand why intimacy often takes a hit after children arrive. This knowledge helps remove blame and shame from the equation, allowing you to approach the situation as a team rather than adversaries.

The Physical Toll of Parenthood

Let’s start with the obvious: having and raising children is physically exhausting. For the birthing partner, pregnancy and childbirth represent a monumental physical transformation. The postpartum period involves healing from either a vaginal delivery or major abdominal surgery, hormonal fluctuations that rival puberty in their intensity, and potential complications like pelvic floor dysfunction or postpartum depression. Even years after birth, the physical demands of parenting—the constant lifting, carrying, and sleep deprivation—leave many parents feeling depleted.

The non-birthing partner isn’t immune either. Sleep deprivation affects both parents, and chronic lack of sleep decreases libido, increases irritability, and impairs emotional regulation. When you’re running on four hours of broken sleep, intimacy often feels like just another demand on an already overextended body.

Hormonal Shifts and Breastfeeding

For breastfeeding mothers, the hormonal reality creates additional challenges. Prolactin, the hormone responsible for milk production, naturally suppresses estrogen and testosterone—the hormones that drive sexual desire. Additionally, breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness and discomfort, making physical intimacy uncomfortable or even painful. Many breastfeeding mothers also experience a phenomenon called “being touched out”—after hours of a baby literally attached to your body, the desire for additional physical contact approaches zero.

Creating the Foundation: Communication is Everything

If there’s one non-negotiable element in rekindling intimacy, it’s communication. You cannot rebuild connection without talking honestly about what you’re experiencing, what you need, and what you’re willing to work toward together.

Schedule a State-of-the-Union Conversation

Choose a time when you’re both relatively rested and won’t be interrupted. This isn’t a conversation to have at midnight when you’re both exhausted, or during the chaos of bedtime routines. If necessary, ask a trusted friend or family member to watch the kids for an hour so you can talk without interruption.

During this conversation, each person should have the opportunity to share their honest feelings about the current state of intimacy in your relationship. Use “I” statements to express your experience without blaming your partner. For example: “I feel disconnected from you and I miss our physical relationship” rather than “You never want to be intimate anymore.”

Share not just your frustrations but also your desires for the relationship. What would you like your intimate life to look like? What feels realistic given your current circumstances? What are you willing to commit to working on?

Understand Each Other’s Love Languages

Gary Chapman’s concept of love languages provides a valuable framework for understanding how you and your partner give and receive love. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

After having children, your primary love language may shift. Perhaps you once felt most loved through physical touch, but now that you’re constantly touched by children, acts of service (like your partner handling bedtime solo so you can take a bath) feel more meaningful. Understanding these shifts helps you meet each other’s needs more effectively.

Have an explicit conversation about what makes each of you feel loved and connected right now, in this season of your life. Then commit to regularly expressing love in ways that resonate with your partner, even if they’re not your natural inclination.

Establish Regular Check-Ins

Don’t wait until resentment builds or distance feels insurmountable to talk about your relationship. Establish weekly or bi-weekly check-ins where you discuss not just logistics and kid schedules, but also how you’re feeling about your connection as a couple. These don’t need to be lengthy conversations—even fifteen minutes of intentional dialogue can make a significant difference.

During these check-ins, celebrate what’s working and gently address what needs attention. Approach these conversations with curiosity and compassion rather than criticism. The goal is to maintain open lines of communication so small issues don’t become major conflicts.

Redefining Intimacy: It’s More Than Just Sex

One of the most important mindset shifts in rekindling intimacy after kids is expanding your definition of what intimacy means. Physical intimacy is certainly important, but it’s just one dimension of connection. By broadening your understanding of intimacy, you create multiple pathways to feeling close to your partner.

Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Everything

Emotional intimacy involves feeling safe, understood, and valued by your partner. It’s built through vulnerability, empathy, and consistent support. After children arrive, emotional intimacy often suffers as conversations become purely transactional, focused on logistics rather than feelings.

To rebuild emotional intimacy, make space for deeper conversations. Share your fears, hopes, and struggles as a parent. Ask your partner about their inner experience, not just their to-do list. Practice active listening—put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly hear what your partner is saying without immediately jumping to solutions or judgment.

Express appreciation regularly and specifically. Instead of a generic “thanks for your help,” try “I really appreciated how patient you were during that meltdown today. I know it was exhausting, and you handled it beautifully.” Feeling seen and valued by your partner creates emotional safety that naturally enhances other forms of intimacy.

Intellectual Intimacy: Engaging Each Other’s Minds

Parenthood can feel intellectually isolating, especially if you’ve stepped back from work or spend your days primarily focused on children’s needs. Intellectual intimacy involves engaging with each other’s ideas, interests, and perspectives.

Make time to discuss topics beyond parenting. Share articles, podcasts, or books that interest you. Ask your partner about their work, hobbies, or areas of curiosity. Have debates and discussions that challenge and stimulate you both mentally. Remember that you fell in love with a whole person, not just a co-parent, and that person still has a rich inner world worth exploring.

Recreational Intimacy: Playing Together

Shared laughter and play are powerful bonding experiences that often get lost in the seriousness of parenting responsibilities. Recreational intimacy means doing things together that are purely for enjoyment—no productivity agenda required.

This might look like playing board games after the kids are asleep, watching a favorite show together, taking a class that interests you both, or picking up a shared hobby. The key is that you’re doing something enjoyable together, creating positive shared experiences that remind you why you enjoy each other’s company.

Physical Non-Sexual Intimacy: Reconnecting Through Touch

Physical intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex. In fact, rebuilding comfortable physical affection often needs to happen before sexual intimacy feels natural again. Many couples fall into a pattern where the only physical touch is either childcare-related or explicitly sexual, which creates pressure and can cause one or both partners to avoid touch altogether.

Reintroduce casual physical affection into your daily life. Hold hands while watching TV. Give genuine hugs that last more than two seconds. Sit close together on the couch. Give foot rubs or shoulder massages with no expectation of anything more. Cuddle in bed before sleep, even if you’re both too tired for sex.

This non-sexual physical connection helps rebuild comfort with touch and reminds your bodies that physical closeness with your partner is safe, pleasant, and connecting—not just another demand or obligation.

Practical Strategies for Rekindling Physical Intimacy

Once you’ve addressed communication and expanded your definition of intimacy, you can begin intentionally working on rekindling your physical and sexual connection. This process requires patience, creativity, and willingness to accept that your intimate life will look different than it did before kids.

Start Small and Build Gradually

If your sexual relationship has been on hiatus or has become infrequent, don’t expect to jump immediately back to your pre-kids intimacy level. Instead, use a gradual approach that rebuilds comfort and desire without pressure.

Start with the physical non-sexual intimacy mentioned above. Then, consider setting aside time for extended physical connection without the expectation of intercourse—perhaps an evening of sensual massage, extended making out like you did when you were dating, or taking a shower together. Removing the pressure of “completing” a sexual encounter can paradoxically make both partners more interested and present.

Schedule Intimacy (Yes, Really)

The idea of scheduling sex feels unromantic to many couples, but it’s often necessary and effective in the parenting years. When you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, spontaneous intimacy rarely happens—there’s always another task, another interruption, or another reason to put it off.

Scheduling intimacy doesn’t mean you only have sex at predetermined times. Rather, it means you’re intentionally carving out time and mental space for connection. Knowing that Saturday night is “your time” allows you both to prepare mentally, arrange childcare or babysitting, and approach the evening with anticipation rather than last-minute exhaustion.

The key to making scheduled intimacy work is reframing it in your mind. Instead of “we have to have sex on Saturday,” think of it as “Saturday night is when we prioritize our connection as a couple.” What happens during that time can vary based on your energy and interest, but the commitment is to each other, not to a specific activity.

Make Your Bedroom a Sacred Space

Many parents allow their bedrooms to become an extension of the family living space—kids’ toys scattered about, nursing stations set up, or children cosleeping. While these arrangements work for many families, they can make it challenging to view your bedroom as a space for couple intimacy.

If possible, reclaim your bedroom as primarily adult space. This doesn’t mean children are never allowed, but the overall environment should support adult rest and intimacy. Invest in quality bedding, remove work materials and clutter, consider a lock for the door, and create an atmosphere that feels inviting and romantic rather than purely functional.

If you’re bedsharing or have children who frequently enter your room at night, get creative about finding other spaces for intimacy—a locked bathroom, the living room after kids are asleep, or even a daytime hotel visit if you can arrange childcare.

Address Physical Obstacles Directly

Physical discomfort is a common barrier to sexual intimacy after children, particularly for birthing partners. Pain during sex should never be normalized or pushed through. If physical intimacy is painful, consult with a healthcare provider who specializes in postpartum health, pelvic floor physical therapy, or sexual medicine.

Many postpartum physical issues are treatable. Pelvic floor physical therapists can address weakness, tightness, or scar tissue that causes pain. Healthcare providers can suggest solutions for vaginal dryness, including lubricants, moisturizers, or in some cases, hormonal treatments. Don’t suffer in silence—your comfort and pleasure matter, and effective solutions exist.

For nursing mothers experiencing the libido-suppressing effects of breastfeeding hormones, know that this is temporary and normal. While you can’t override biology, you can work with it by focusing on intimacy that feels good given your current hormonal state, and recognizing that your libido will likely return as nursing decreases or ends.

Explore New Expressions of Sexuality

Your sex life doesn’t need to look exactly as it did before children. In fact, this is an opportunity to explore new dimensions of your sexuality together. Perhaps quickies work better now than extended sessions. Maybe you discover new turn-ons or preferences. Perhaps you become more verbal about your needs and desires, which actually enhances your connection.

Stay open to experimentation and remember that sexuality exists on a spectrum beyond intercourse. Mutual pleasure can take many forms, and what matters most is that both partners feel satisfied and connected, not that you check specific boxes or meet external standards.

Navigate Mismatched Desire With Compassion

It’s extremely common for partners to have different levels of desire, especially during the parenting years. One person might be desperate to reconnect physically while the other can barely imagine having the energy or interest. This discrepancy can create significant tension if not handled with care.

The higher-desire partner needs to understand that their partner’s lack of interest isn’t personal rejection—it’s often about exhaustion, hormones, or being touched out. Pressure and guilt only make the situation worse, creating an association between intimacy and obligation.

The lower-desire partner needs to understand that their partner’s desire for physical intimacy is often also about emotional connection and feeling wanted. Finding some middle ground—even if it’s less frequent than one partner ideally wants—is important for relationship health.

Consider the concept of “responsive desire,” where sexual interest emerges after physical connection begins rather than spontaneously. The lower-desire partner might need to be willing to begin intimate activities even when they’re not initially “in the mood,” trusting that interest may develop. This is different from pressured or obligatory sex—it’s being open to the possibility that desire can follow action rather than always preceding it.

Creating Time and Space for Your Relationship

One of the biggest challenges in rekindling intimacy is simply finding time for it. Children consume vast amounts of time, energy, and attention, leaving little for couple connection. Addressing this requires both practical problem-solving and willingness to prioritize your relationship.

Implement a Consistent Bedtime Routine for Children

Having children who go to bed at a reasonable, predictable time creates essential adult time in the evening. If your children don’t currently have a consistent bedtime, establishing one is worth the initial resistance. Children thrive on routine, and having predictable sleep schedules benefits everyone in the family.

This doesn’t mean children must be in bed by 6:30 PM (though for some families this works beautifully). Rather, find a bedtime that allows at least an hour or two of adult time before parents also need to sleep. During this time, resist the temptation to immediately dive into chores or screen time. Spend at least part of this window connecting with your partner.

Prioritize Your Relationship in Your Budget

If finances allow, paying for childcare specifically for couple time is one of the best investments you can make in your relationship. This doesn’t always mean expensive date nights—it might be asking a babysitter to come for two hours on a Sunday afternoon so you can take a nap together, or having grandparents watch the kids so you can take a long walk and talk without interruption.

Many couples feel guilty spending money on babysitting for anything other than work obligations. Reframe this thinking: investing in your relationship is investing in your children’s wellbeing. Children benefit tremendously from parents who have a strong, connected relationship. You’re not being selfish by prioritizing couple time—you’re modeling healthy relationship behavior and maintaining the foundation of your family.

Trade Childcare With Other Parents

If hiring childcare isn’t feasible, consider trading childcare with other trusted parents. Offer to take their children for a weekend afternoon in exchange for them taking yours the next weekend. This arrangement costs nothing and provides both families with valuable couple time.

Reevaluate Your Commitments

Many couples fill every available moment with activities, obligations, and commitments. Children have multiple extracurriculars, parents volunteer for numerous causes, social calendars overflow, and homes are maintained to magazine-worthy standards. Something has to give, and often it’s the relationship.

Take an honest look at your commitments and ask what truly serves your family and what’s driven by obligation, guilt, or external pressure. Do your children need to be in three different activities? Must you host every holiday gathering? Is maintaining an immaculate home worth the time and energy it requires?

Simplifying your life creates space—space for rest, space for connection, and space for intimacy. You can always add commitments back later when you’re in a different season of parenting. For now, protect your time fiercely and use it for what matters most.

Embrace Imperfection and Lower Some Standards

Your home doesn’t need to be perfectly clean. Dinner doesn’t need to be elaborate. The laundry can wait another day. Give yourself permission to let some things go in service of prioritizing your relationship. This might feel uncomfortable, especially if you have high standards for yourself, but it’s necessary.

When you’re deciding how to spend a free hour, ask yourself: “What will matter more in ten years—that my house was spotless or that my partner and I maintained a strong connection?” The answer usually clarifies priorities quickly.

The Essential Role of Self-Care and Individual Wellness

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Individual wellness isn’t selfish—it’s essential for showing up as your best self in your relationship. When you’re depleted, resentful, and running on fumes, you have nothing left to give your partner. Conversely, when you’re taking care of yourself, you have more energy, patience, and capacity for connection.

Prioritize Sleep

Sleep deprivation is intimacy’s enemy. It decreases libido, increases irritability, impairs judgment, and makes everything feel harder. While sleep can be challenging with young children, make it as much of a priority as possible.

This might mean taking turns sleeping in on weekends, napping when babies nap rather than tackling the to-do list, or going to bed earlier even if it means missing out on evening tasks or entertainment. Talk with your partner about how to maximize sleep for both of you—perhaps you take the early morning shift while they take the late night shift, or you alternate difficult nights.

Maintain Individual Interests and Identities

You’re not just a parent and a partner—you’re a whole person with your own interests, friendships, and passions. Maintaining these aspects of yourself makes you a more interesting, fulfilled partner. It also provides necessary breaks from parenting that allow you to return to your family with renewed energy and patience.

Support each other in pursuing individual interests. Maybe one partner goes to a weekly exercise class while the other covers bedtime. Perhaps one takes a Saturday morning to meet friends while the other stays with the kids. Rather than keeping score, operate from a place of generosity, trusting that supporting each other’s individual wellbeing benefits the entire family.

Address Your Mental Health

Postpartum depression and anxiety are incredibly common, affecting up to one in seven new mothers and a significant percentage of new fathers. These conditions can severely impact intimacy, desire, and relationship satisfaction. If you’re experiencing persistent sadness, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or inability to enjoy things that usually bring pleasure, seek professional help.

Therapy can be tremendously beneficial for individuals and couples navigating the transition to parenthood. A skilled therapist can help you process the identity shifts, relationship changes, and emotional challenges that accompany having children. This isn’t an admission of failure—it’s a proactive investment in your wellbeing and your relationship.

Recommit to Physical Health

Regular exercise, nutritious food, and adequate hydration affect your energy levels, mood, and yes, your libido. This doesn’t mean you need to pursue an extreme fitness regimen or restrictive diet. Rather, find sustainable ways to care for your body that feel good and increase your overall wellbeing.

Perhaps you take walks together as a family, prep easy healthy meals on weekends, or find a form of movement you genuinely enjoy rather than forcing yourself through punishing workouts. Small, consistent efforts to care for your physical health pay dividends in how you feel overall and in your capacity for intimacy.

Managing Expectations and Practicing Patience

Rekindling intimacy after kids is not a quick fix or linear process. There will be setbacks, difficult periods, and times when connection feels impossible despite your best efforts. Managing expectations and practicing patience with yourself, your partner, and the process is essential.

Accept That This is a Season

The intense, all-consuming nature of parenting young children is temporary. The sleepless nights, constant needs, and physical exhaustion will not last forever. While you’re in it, this reality can feel impossible to believe, but ask any parent of older children and they’ll confirm: this season passes more quickly than you think.

Remind yourself that the challenges you’re facing in your relationship aren’t permanent character flaws or signs of irreparable damage. They’re the natural result of navigating one of life’s most demanding transitions. Be patient with the process and trust that with consistent effort, you’ll emerge on the other side with a strong, connected relationship.

Celebrate Small Victories

In the parenting years, grand romantic gestures are rare. Instead, celebrate the small moments of connection—the genuine hug goodbye before work, the check-in text during a hard day, the twenty minutes of uninterrupted conversation after kids are asleep, the kiss that lingers a moment longer than usual.

These small moments are the building blocks of intimacy. Acknowledge and appreciate them rather than dismissing them as insufficient. Every moment of genuine connection matters and contributes to rebuilding your intimate bond.

Expect Setbacks and Don’t Let Them Derail You

Just when you feel like you’re making progress, a sleep regression hits, someone gets sick, work demands intensify, or any number of life challenges arise. These setbacks are normal and inevitable. Don’t interpret them as signs that your efforts aren’t working or that your relationship is doomed.

When setbacks occur, extend grace to yourself and your partner. Acknowledge that things are hard right now, maintain the basic foundation of kindness and respect, and know that you’ll return to actively working on intimacy when circumstances allow. Resilience in a relationship isn’t about never struggling—it’s about consistently choosing to return to each other after difficulties.

Understand That Your Relationship Will Look Different

Your intimate life in this season will not mirror what it was before children, and that’s okay. It might be less frequent, more scheduled, and require more intentionality. But it can also be deeper, more appreciative, and more mature. The couple who navigates the challenges of early parenthood together often develops a profound respect, partnership, and connection that transcends what existed before.

Rather than mourning the relationship you had, work on building the relationship that’s possible now. Honor what you’ve been through together and allow your intimacy to evolve into something that fits your current reality rather than trying to force it back into an outdated mold.

When to Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, despite best efforts, couples need professional support to navigate this transition. There’s no shame in seeking help—in fact, it’s a sign of wisdom and commitment to your relationship. Consider reaching out to a professional if:

You’ve been actively working on improving intimacy for several months with no progress or worsening issues. The strategies that work for most couples aren’t working for you, and you need more specialized guidance.

One or both partners is experiencing ongoing pain or difficulty with physical intimacy. A pelvic floor physical therapist, sexual medicine specialist, or sex therapist can address physical barriers to intimacy that won’t resolve on their own.

There’s significant resentment, contempt, or communication breakdown in your relationship. These are red flags that indicate deeper issues that benefit from professional intervention before they become entrenched patterns.

One or both partners is experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns. Individual therapy or couples therapy with a perinatal mental health specialist can be transformative.

Infidelity, betrayal, or trust issues have occurred. These wounds typically require professional support to heal properly and rebuild the relationship foundation.

You’re considering separation or feel hopeless about your relationship improving. Before making major decisions, give couples therapy a genuine try with a therapist who specializes in relationship and family transitions.

Seeking help early is always preferable to waiting until resentment is deeply entrenched and hopelessness has set in. A skilled couples therapist or sex therapist can provide tools, perspectives, and interventions that accelerate healing and reconnection.

Looking Forward: Building a Resilient, Intimate Partnership

Rekindling intimacy after having children is not just about fixing what feels broken—it’s an opportunity to build something even stronger. The couples who navigate this transition successfully often emerge with relationships characterized by deep partnership, genuine appreciation, and hard-won resilience.

You’re learning to choose each other daily, even when it’s difficult. You’re developing communication skills that will serve you throughout your relationship. You’re practicing vulnerability, asking for what you need, and extending grace when your partner is struggling. These are the building blocks of a relationship that can weather any storm.

Remember why you chose each other in the first place. Beneath the exhaustion, the stress, and the challenges lies the person you fell in love with. That person is still there, even if they’re currently buried under spit-up and sleep deprivation. Your task is not to recover the past but to discover each other anew in this transformed reality.

The intimacy you build now—during the hardest season of parenting—will be tested by time and adversity and will prove itself strong enough to sustain you. Years from now, you’ll look back on this period and recognize it as a crucible that either weakened your bond or forged it into something unbreakable. The choice, made in thousands of small daily decisions, is yours.

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Conclusion: Intimacy is a Practice, Not a Destination

If there’s one message to take away from this guide, it’s this: intimacy after kids is not a problem to solve but a practice to maintain. There’s no point at which you’ll have “fixed” your intimate connection and can stop putting in effort. Rather, intimacy is something you cultivate daily through small choices, consistent communication, and unwavering commitment to each other.

Some days you’ll feel deeply connected to your partner. Other days you’ll feel like strangers coexisting in the same space. Both are normal. What matters is that you keep showing up, keep communicating, and keep choosing each other even when it would be easier to focus solely on survival mode.

The journey back to intimacy after having children requires courage, vulnerability, and patience. It asks you to let go of who you were and embrace who you’re becoming as both individuals and as a couple. It demands that you prioritize your relationship even when a thousand other demands feel more urgent. And it challenges you to extend grace to yourself and your partner as you navigate this transformation together.

But here’s the beautiful truth: you can do this. Thousands of couples before you have walked this path and emerged with relationships characterized by profound intimacy, deep partnership, and genuine joy. Your children don’t have to be the end of your romance—they can be the beginning of a new, richer chapter in your love story.

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. Have that difficult conversation. Schedule that date night. Initiate that hug. Take that first small step toward each other. The distance between you may feel vast right now, but it’s closed one intentional step at a time.

Your relationship deserves the investment. Your partner deserves your effort. And you deserve the deep connection and intimacy you’re seeking. Now go forth and reclaim the intimate, connected partnership that’s waiting for you on the other side of this challenging season. You’ve got this.