How To Make Your Spouse Your Best Friend Again

Remember when you couldn’t wait to tell your spouse about your day? When they were the first person you wanted to share good news with, and the only person you wanted beside you during tough times? If you’re reading this, chances are something has shifted. The friendship that once formed the foundation of your marriage may feel distant, replaced by routine, responsibility, or even resentment.

Here’s the truth I’ve learned after years of working with couples: losing the friendship in your marriage doesn’t mean your relationship is over. It means you’ve gotten busy, distracted, or stuck in patterns that prioritize everything except the connection that brought you together in the first place. The good news? That friendship isn’t gone—it’s just waiting to be rediscovered.

In this comprehensive guide, I’ll show you exactly how to rebuild that friendship, reignite the connection you once had, and create an even stronger bond than before. Whether you’ve drifted apart gradually or feel like you’re living with a stranger, these strategies will help you find your way back to each other.

Understanding Why Spouses Stop Being Friends

Before we dive into solutions, let’s understand what typically happens. Most couples don’t intentionally drift apart. Instead, friendship erosion happens slowly, almost imperceptibly, through a series of small shifts in daily life.

The Evolution of Marriage: From Lovers to Roommates

In the beginning, marriage feels effortless. You talk for hours, laugh constantly, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. But as life progresses, several factors conspire to shift the dynamic. Career demands intensify. Children arrive and monopolize attention and energy. Financial pressures mount. The house needs constant maintenance. Suddenly, you’re not partners in adventure anymore—you’re co-managers of a complex life operation.

This transition isn’t inherently bad. It’s a natural evolution that every long-term relationship experiences. The problem arises when couples fail to consciously maintain their friendship alongside these new responsibilities. You stop being people who enjoy each other and become people who simply function together.

The Friendship Killers in Modern Marriage

Several specific patterns accelerate the loss of friendship between spouses. Recognizing these patterns in your own relationship is the first step toward change.

Technology has created a unique problem for modern marriages. You might be sitting on the same couch, but one of you is scrolling through social media while the other watches TV. You’re physically together but emotionally separate. This parallel living creates an illusion of connection while actual intimacy deteriorates.

Communication becomes purely transactional. Conversations revolve around logistics: “Did you pay the electric bill?” “Can you pick up milk?” “What time is the appointment?” You’re exchanging information, not connecting. The playfulness, curiosity, and depth that characterized your early conversations have vanished.

Resentment accumulates like sediment. Small frustrations go unaddressed. Unspoken expectations lead to disappointment. One person feels they’re carrying more weight. The other feels unappreciated. Over time, these feelings build walls that prevent genuine friendship from flourishing.

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The intimacy-responsibility imbalance tilts heavily toward obligation. Your relationship becomes defined by what needs to be done rather than what you want to do together. Date nights become rare. Spontaneity dies. Everything is scheduled, managed, and optimized for efficiency rather than joy.

Recognizing the Signs You’ve Lost the Friendship

Sometimes the loss of friendship is obvious—you barely speak beyond necessity. Other times, it’s more subtle. Here are the telltale signs that the friendship in your marriage needs attention.

You don’t laugh together anymore. Humor is often the first casualty of a struggling friendship. If you can’t remember the last time you shared a genuine laugh with your spouse, that’s a significant indicator.

You withhold information about your day. When something interesting happens, you don’t immediately think of telling your spouse. You might share it with a coworker or friend instead, or not share it at all. This shows that your spouse is no longer your primary confidant.

Silence feels awkward rather than comfortable. Healthy friendships have comfortable silences. When quiet moments together feel tense or uncomfortable, it suggests you’ve lost the ease that characterizes true friendship.

You prefer doing things without them. When free time appears, you’d rather spend it alone, with friends, or pursuing individual interests rather than being together. While independence is healthy, a consistent preference for separation indicates disconnection.

Conflict has become the primary form of engagement. The only time you really interact is when you’re disagreeing or managing problems. You’ve forgotten how to simply enjoy each other’s company without agenda or conflict.

You don’t ask for their opinion or advice anymore. Friends value each other’s perspectives. If you’ve stopped consulting your spouse about decisions, ideas, or dilemmas, you’ve stopped treating them as a trusted friend.

Why Friendship is the Foundation of Lasting Marriage

Before we explore how to rebuild your friendship, let’s understand why it matters so much. Romantic love fluctuates. Physical attraction changes. But friendship—genuine, deep friendship—is what sustains a marriage through decades.

Research consistently shows that couples who consider their spouse their best friend report higher relationship satisfaction, better conflict resolution, and more resilience during difficult times. Friendship provides the cushion that softens life’s inevitable blows.

When your spouse is your best friend, you have someone who knows your history, understands your quirks, and chooses you anyway. You have a companion for life’s journey, not just a co-parent or co-habitor. You have someone who makes ordinary moments extraordinary simply by being there.

Friendship also protects against infidelity and divorce. When the friendship is strong, the relationship can weather the storms that break other marriages. You’re invested not just in the institution of marriage, but in this specific person’s happiness and wellbeing.

Most importantly, friendship makes life more fun. Marriage shouldn’t feel like hard work all the time. When friendship is present, marriage becomes a source of joy, laughter, and comfort that enriches everything else you do.

Twelve Powerful Strategies to Rebuild Your Friendship

Now for the practical part. These aren’t quick fixes—rebuilding friendship takes time and consistency. But each strategy, applied genuinely, will move you closer to the connection you’re seeking.

1. Start with Curiosity, Not Criticism

The first step toward rebuilding friendship is changing how you approach your spouse. Friends approach each other with curiosity and interest. They want to understand, not judge.

Begin asking open-ended questions about your spouse’s inner world. Not logistics questions, but genuine curiosity about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. “What was the best part of your day?” “What’s on your mind lately?” “What are you excited about?” “What’s been frustrating you?”

Then—and this is crucial—listen without immediately offering solutions, criticism, or judgment. Friends listen to understand, not to fix or respond. Put your phone down. Make eye contact. Show through your body language that what they’re saying matters.

This simple shift—from critic to curious friend—can transform your daily interactions. You might discover that you’ve been living with assumptions about what your spouse thinks or feels that aren’t accurate. Curiosity opens doors that criticism keeps locked.

2. Create Small, Consistent Connection Rituals

Grand gestures are wonderful, but friendship is built through small, repeated interactions. Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman calls these “bids for connection”—small moments when one partner reaches out and the other responds positively.

Establish daily rituals that prioritize connection. This might be:

A morning coffee routine where you sit together for fifteen minutes before the day begins. No phones, no planning, just being present with each other.

An evening walk after dinner where you decompress together. Walking side-by-side often facilitates easier conversation than face-to-face intensity.

A bedtime check-in where you share something you appreciated about each other that day. This practice builds gratitude and positive focus.

A weekly planning session that also includes discussing dreams, not just logistics. Spend half the time on calendars and half on talking about what you’re each looking forward to.

The key is consistency. These rituals work because they guarantee connection regardless of how busy life gets. They create protected time where friendship can grow.

3. Rediscover Shared Interests (Or Create New Ones)

Think back to what you enjoyed doing together when you first met. Maybe you loved trying new restaurants, hiking, playing games, or having long conversations about ideas and dreams. Somewhere along the way, you probably stopped prioritizing these shared enjoyments.

Make a list—separately at first, then together—of activities you used to enjoy and new things you’d like to try. Then commit to doing one shared activity weekly. This isn’t a chore or obligation; it’s intentional fun.

Importantly, this activity should be something you both genuinely enjoy, not something one person is doing to please the other. Shared enjoyment creates positive associations and memories. It reminds you why you liked spending time together in the first place.

If your old interests no longer appeal to either of you, that’s fine. Create new shared interests. Take a cooking class together. Start a garden. Train for a 5K. Learn a new language. Join a book club as a couple. The specific activity matters less than the shared experience and the conversations it generates.

4. Bring Back Playfulness and Humor

Friends tease each other gently, make each other laugh, and don’t take everything so seriously. When did your relationship become so earnest and heavy?

Intentionally inject lightness into your interactions. Send funny memes or videos during the day. Make silly jokes. Be a little ridiculous. Dance in the kitchen. Have a pillow fight. Watch comedy together. Play a board game or video game without keeping score.

This might feel awkward at first, especially if tension has been the norm. That’s okay. Persist anyway. Laughter releases oxytocin, reduces stress, and creates positive associations. It also helps you remember that your spouse can be fun, not just functional.

One couple I worked with instituted “silly voice Thursdays” where they could only speak to each other in ridiculous accents. It was absurd, but it broke the pattern of serious, heavy communication and reminded them they could still make each other laugh.

Find what works for you. The goal is to stop taking yourselves so seriously and remember that friendship includes joy and playfulness.

5. Practice Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy

Real friendship requires vulnerability. You can’t be best friends with someone who only sees your polished exterior. They need to know your fears, insecurities, dreams, and struggles.

Start sharing more of your inner world with your spouse. This doesn’t mean dumping every anxiety on them, but it does mean being honest about what you’re experiencing emotionally.

“I’ve been feeling really anxious about this project at work, and I’m not sure if I’m capable of pulling it off.”

“I feel disconnected from you lately, and I miss how close we used to be.”

“I’m scared about getting older and what that means for us.”

Vulnerability invites vulnerability. When you open up, you give your spouse permission to do the same. This creates the emotional intimacy that characterizes deep friendship.

If vulnerability feels risky, start small. Share something mildly uncomfortable and see how your spouse responds. Hopefully, they’ll respond with empathy and support. If they respond critically, that’s important information that might require a conversation about how you treat each other’s tender places.

6. Support Their Individual Growth and Dreams

Good friends celebrate each other’s successes and support each other’s aspirations. They want the best for each other, even when it requires sacrifice.

Take genuine interest in your spouse’s individual goals and dreams. What do they want to achieve? What brings them joy? What would they pursue if they had more time or resources?

Then actively support those pursuits. This might mean taking on more household responsibilities so they can take a class. It might mean encouraging them when they doubt themselves. It might mean celebrating their small wins as enthusiastically as big ones.

When you support your spouse’s individual growth, you accomplish two things: you show them you value them as a person beyond their role in your life, and you ensure they continue growing into someone interesting to be friends with. Stagnation kills friendship. Growth sustains it.

One warning: supporting their dreams doesn’t mean sacrificing your own. Both partners need support. This is about mutual encouragement, not martyrdom.

7. Express Appreciation and Gratitude Regularly

Friends notice and acknowledge the good in each other. They don’t take each other for granted. Yet in marriage, it’s easy to fall into a pattern where you only speak up when something’s wrong.

Make it a daily practice to express genuine appreciation for your spouse. Notice the things they do—both big and small—and verbally acknowledge them.

“I really appreciate that you always make sure we have coffee in the morning.”

“Thank you for handling that difficult conversation with your parents. I know that wasn’t easy.”

“I’m grateful that you’re such a thoughtful gift-giver. You always seem to know what I need.”

“I appreciate how hard you work to provide for our family.”

Be specific. General praise is nice, but specific appreciation shows you’re actually paying attention. It also helps your spouse understand what behaviors to continue.

Research shows that maintaining a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions is crucial for relationship health. If you’re not regularly expressing appreciation, you’re probably falling below that ratio, which means criticism and negativity are dominating your interactions.

8. Address Resentments and Clear the Air

You can’t rebuild friendship on a foundation of unresolved resentment. Those accumulated frustrations and disappointments create barriers to connection.

Set aside time for a honest conversation about what’s come between you. This isn’t about blame—it’s about clearing the air so you can start fresh.

Use “I feel” statements rather than accusations: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m handling all the evening responsibilities alone” rather than “You never help with the kids.”

Listen to understand your spouse’s resentments too. You might discover they’re carrying burdens you didn’t know about.

Then forgive and commit to moving forward. This doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened, but it does mean consciously choosing not to hold past grievances against your spouse. Friendship can’t flourish in an atmosphere of score-keeping and grudges.

If resentments run too deep for you to address alone, consider couples therapy. A skilled therapist can help you navigate difficult conversations and establish healthier patterns.

9. Prioritize Quality Time Without Distractions

This seems obvious, but it’s where most couples fail. You might spend time in the same space, but true quality time requires undivided attention.

Schedule regular time together without phones, kids, TV, or other distractions. Treat this time as sacred—don’t cancel it for work commitments or other obligations unless absolutely necessary.

During this time, simply be together. Have conversations. Take walks. Cook a meal together. Work on a puzzle. The activity matters less than the focused attention you’re giving each other.

Research shows that it takes consistent, quality interactions over time to build or rebuild intimacy. Sporadic date nights aren’t enough if the rest of your time together is fragmented and distracted.

Start with a realistic commitment—maybe two hours weekly—and build from there. The consistency matters more than the duration.

10. Learn and Use Your Spouse’s Love Language

Dr. Gary Chapman’s concept of love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts—isn’t just about romance. It’s also about friendship.

Understanding how your spouse feels most loved and valued helps you connect in ways that actually register with them. You might be showing love through acts of service (cleaning, cooking, handling responsibilities), but if their primary love language is words of affirmation, they might not feel loved at all.

Have a conversation about love languages. Discuss how each of you most naturally gives and receives love. Then intentionally speak your spouse’s love language, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.

This demonstrates that you care enough about their wellbeing to show love in ways they can receive, which is exactly what good friends do—they meet each other where they are, not where it’s most convenient.

11. Create Future Plans and Dreams Together

Friends don’t just coexist in the present—they imagine the future together. They make plans, set goals, and dream about possibilities.

Set aside time to talk about your future together. Not just practical planning (retirement accounts, home repairs), but dreams and possibilities. Where do you want to travel? What do you want to accomplish? How do you want to spend your time in five years? Ten years? Twenty years?

This kind of forward-looking conversation does several things: it reminds you that you’re on the same team, creates excitement and shared purpose, and gives you goals to work toward together.

Many couples stop dreaming together once they settle into routine. Rekindling that sense of shared future and possibility is crucial for friendship. It says, “I’m not just tolerating you until the kids leave home or retirement arrives. I’m excited about building a life with you.”

12. Seek Professional Help If Needed

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you need outside help. There’s no shame in seeking couples therapy or relationship coaching. In fact, seeking help shows you value the relationship enough to invest in it.

A skilled therapist can identify patterns you can’t see, provide tools you don’t have, and create a safe space for difficult conversations. They can help you rebuild communication skills, address deeper issues, and develop strategies specific to your situation.

Don’t wait until things are desperate. Many couples seek therapy too late, after so much damage has been done that rebuilding feels impossible. If you’re struggling to reconnect despite genuine effort, get help now.

Navigating Common Obstacles

As you work to rebuild friendship, you’ll encounter obstacles. Here’s how to handle the most common ones.

When Your Spouse Isn’t On Board

What if you’re ready to rebuild the friendship but your spouse seems disinterested or resistant? This is frustrating, but not insurmountable.

First, examine whether you’ve clearly communicated what you’re trying to do and why it matters. Don’t just start behaving differently and expect your spouse to understand. Have an explicit conversation: “I miss being close to you. I want us to be best friends again, not just co-parents/co-managers. Will you work on this with me?”

If they’re still resistant, start making changes anyway. Be the friend you want to have. Show curiosity, express appreciation, and create opportunities for connection. Often, when one partner consistently changes their approach, the other eventually responds.

However, friendship requires two willing participants. If your spouse refuses to engage despite your sustained effort, that’s important information about your relationship that might require deeper examination and professional help.

When You’re Both Exhausted

Life is demanding. You’re both tired. Finding energy to rebuild friendship when you’re barely surviving feels impossible.

Remember that reconnecting doesn’t require elaborate plans or significant time investments. Start with five minutes of focused attention daily. Those morning coffee chats can happen even on exhausting days.

Also, consider that exhaustion is often a symptom of disconnection. When you’re functioning as a team of friends rather than isolated individuals managing separate responsibilities, life actually feels less overwhelming. The support and partnership make challenges more bearable.

When Past Hurts Keep Resurfacing

If infidelity, betrayal, or significant hurt is part of your history, rebuilding friendship is more complex. Trust must be rebuilt alongside friendship.

This almost always requires professional help. A therapist can guide you through processing the hurt, rebuilding trust, and establishing new patterns. Don’t try to skip over major wounds in your rush to rebuild friendship. They must be addressed or they’ll undermine every effort you make.

When Life Circumstances Are Challenging

Maybe you’re dealing with a health crisis, financial stress, or family difficulties. These circumstances make relationship work harder, but also more important.

Rather than waiting for life to calm down (it might never fully calm down), focus on being each other’s support system through the challenge. Shared adversity can actually strengthen friendship if you face it together rather than letting it push you apart.

Ask each other: “How can I support you through this?” “What do you need from me right now?” “How can we face this together?” These questions position you as teammates rather than adversaries or strangers passing in the night.

Maintaining the Friendship Long-Term

Rebuilding friendship isn’t a one-time project—it’s an ongoing commitment. Here’s how to maintain the connection you’re working so hard to rebuild.

Make Relationship Maintenance a Priority

Just as you schedule dentist appointments and car maintenance, schedule relationship maintenance. Weekly check-ins where you discuss how you’re doing as a couple. Monthly date nights. Annual relationship retreats or getaways.

Don’t let these slip when life gets busy. They’re not luxuries—they’re necessities that prevent you from drifting apart again.

Keep Growing as Individuals and Together

Friendship thrives when both people continue evolving. Prioritize individual growth while also growing together. Read books together and discuss them. Take classes. Travel. Challenge yourselves.

Stagnation is friendship’s enemy. Keep being interesting people who have things to talk about beyond household logistics.

Protect Your Relationship from External Demands

The world will constantly demand your time and energy—work, kids’ activities, extended family, community obligations. You must actively protect your relationship from these encroachments.

Learn to say no to commitments that consistently prevent you from connecting with each other. Set boundaries with work. Don’t let your children’s activities completely dominate your schedule. Be selfish about your relationship—it’s the foundation everything else is built on.

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Celebrate Your Progress

Notice and celebrate the improvements in your friendship. When you have a great conversation, acknowledge it: “I really enjoyed talking with you today. I’ve missed this.” When you handle conflict better than before, recognize it: “I’m proud of how we worked through that disagreement.”

Celebrating progress reinforces positive changes and motivates continued effort. It also helps you recognize that your efforts are working, even when progress feels slow.

Stay Intentional

The biggest threat to your renewed friendship is complacency. It’s easy to rebuild connection and then gradually slip back into old patterns when things feel good again.

Stay intentional about friendship. Keep prioritizing it. Keep being curious. Keep expressing appreciation. Keep creating opportunities for connection. Make it a lifelong practice rather than a temporary project.

The Journey Back to Friendship: Final Thoughts

Rebuilding friendship with your spouse isn’t about returning to who you were when you first met. You’re both different people now, shaped by years of experience, challenges, and growth. That’s actually good—you have the opportunity to build an even deeper, more meaningful friendship based on truly knowing each other, not just the idealized versions you fell in love with.

This journey requires patience. You didn’t drift apart overnight, and you won’t reconnect overnight. There will be awkward moments as you relearn how to be friends. There will be setbacks when old patterns reassert themselves. That’s all part of the process.

What matters is that you keep showing up. Keep choosing each other. Keep trying, even when it’s uncomfortable or when you don’t see immediate results. Every small effort compounds over time into significant change.

Remember why you’re doing this. You’re not just trying to save a marriage or fulfill an obligation. You’re trying to reclaim one of life’s greatest gifts: a partner who is also your best friend. Someone who knows you completely and chooses you anyway. Someone who makes life’s journey richer, deeper, and more joyful simply by walking beside you.

Your spouse was once that person. With intentional effort, vulnerability, and commitment, they can be again. Not the same as before, but something even better—a friendship forged through years of shared life, tested by challenges, and strengthened by conscious choice.

The friendship you’re seeking is within reach. It’s waiting for you on the other side of consistent, intentional effort. Start today. Start small. But start.

Your best friend is right there, probably waiting for you to reach out too. All you have to do is take the first step.

About the Author’s Approach

The strategies shared in this article are based on attachment theory, research from relationship scientists like Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson, and extensive experience working with couples navigating disconnection. The goal is always the same: helping partners rediscover what brought them together and build something even stronger for the future.

If you’re struggling to implement these strategies on your own, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. Couples therapy isn’t a last resort—it’s a proactive investment in your relationship’s future. Your friendship is worth fighting for.