10 Questions Every Married Couple Should Ask Each Other Yearly

Marriage is not a destination—it’s a journey that requires constant navigation, recalibration, and intentional effort. In my two decades of working with couples as a relationship expert, I’ve observed a pattern among the healthiest, most resilient marriages: they don’t just communicate regularly, they communicate strategically. These couples schedule annual check-ins where they ask each other the hard questions, the vulnerable questions, and the questions that keep their relationship growing rather than just surviving.

Think of your marriage like a business partnership (stay with me here—I promise this gets romantic). The most successful companies conduct annual reviews, assess their goals, celebrate wins, and identify areas for improvement. Yet many couples go years without a meaningful conversation about the state of their union until a crisis forces one. By then, small issues have calcified into major problems, and preventable disconnection has created painful distance.

The annual marriage check-in is your opportunity to get ahead of problems, reconnect on a deeper level, celebrate your growth together, and ensure you’re both still moving in the same direction. In this comprehensive guide, I’ll walk you through ten essential questions every married couple should ask each other yearly, why these questions matter, and how to create a productive conversation around them.

Why Annual Check-Ins Transform Marriages

Before we dive into the questions, let’s address why this practice is so powerful. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who engage in regular relationship maintenance conversations report higher satisfaction and are significantly less likely to divorce. These conversations serve multiple purposes:

They prevent assumption buildup. After years together, we assume we know everything about our partner. But people change, dreams evolve, and priorities shift. Annual check-ins ensure you’re responding to who your partner is now, not who they were five years ago.

They create emotional safety. When difficult conversations become a normal, scheduled part of your relationship rhythm, they lose their threat. You’re not ambushing your partner with complaints or concerns—you’re engaging in a predictable, mutual process.

They celebrate progress. In the daily grind of marriage, it’s easy to focus on what’s wrong and overlook what’s right. These check-ins give you structured time to acknowledge growth and express gratitude.

They course-correct early. Small issues are easy to fix; massive problems are not. Annual questions help you catch disconnection before it becomes a chasm.

Now, let’s explore the ten questions that will keep your marriage thriving year after year.

Question 1: What Has Made You Feel Most Loved by Me This Year?

This question is deceptively simple but profoundly powerful. It accomplishes several things simultaneously: it helps you understand what actions actually land with your partner, it encourages you both to reflect on positive moments, and it provides a roadmap for how to love your partner more effectively in the coming year.

Here’s what makes this question brilliant: you might think you know what makes your partner feel loved, but you’re often wrong. You might be proud of working overtime to afford a vacation, while your partner actually felt most loved when you spontaneously took a walk together on a random Tuesday. You might think your elaborate birthday planning was the highlight, while they treasured the morning you made them coffee and just listened while they processed a work problem.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s research on love languages has shown us that people receive love differently. Your partner might value quality time while you’re showing love through acts of service, creating a disconnect where both of you are trying hard but missing each other’s needs. This question cuts through assumptions and gives you direct feedback.

How to discuss this productively: When your partner shares what made them feel most loved, resist the urge to defend your other efforts or explain your intentions. Instead, listen deeply, take notes if that helps, and ask follow-up questions. “What specifically about that moment made you feel loved?” “How can I do more of that?” “Were there patterns in the times you felt most connected to me?”

Also, be honest when it’s your turn to answer. If you struggled to think of moments when you felt deeply loved, that’s important information—not an accusation, but data that can help you both improve. Frame it as “I would feel incredibly loved if we could prioritize more quality time together” rather than “You never make me feel loved.”

Question 2: In What Ways Have You Grown or Changed This Year, and How Can I Better Support the Person You’re Becoming?

One of the most common complaints I hear in my practice is “They’re not the person I married.” And you know what? That’s true—and it should be true. Human beings are designed to evolve, learn, and change throughout their lives. The tragedy isn’t that your partner has changed; it’s when you fail to notice or support those changes.

This question acknowledges a fundamental truth: the person you married five, ten, or twenty years ago is not the same person sitting across from you today. They’ve accumulated new experiences, developed new interests, healed from old wounds (or acquired new ones), and shifted their priorities. Maybe your partner has grown more confident in their career, become passionate about a new cause, or discovered a hobby that brings them joy. Perhaps they’ve done hard therapeutic work and emerged with better boundaries and self-awareness.

When you fail to acknowledge and support these evolutions, your partner can feel unseen and trapped in an outdated version of themselves. They might sense that you prefer who they used to be, which creates profound loneliness within the marriage. Alternatively, when you actively notice and support their growth, you communicate a powerful message: “I love who you are now, and I’m excited to meet who you’re becoming.”

How to discuss this productively: Approach this question with genuine curiosity rather than judgment. If your partner has changed in ways that create friction in your relationship, that’s legitimate—but save that discussion for Question 7. Right now, the goal is simply to understand their inner world better.

Listen for dreams they’re developing, fears they’re working through, values that have become more important, and ways they’re seeing the world differently. Then ask the crucial follow-up: “How can I better support this growth?” Maybe they need you to accommodate a new schedule, celebrate their achievements more vocally, or simply give them space to explore their changing identity.

Also, share your own growth. Talk about how you’ve changed, what you’re learning about yourself, and what you need from your partner as you evolve. Marriage is most fulfilling when both partners see it as a crucible for personal growth rather than a static arrangement.

Question 3: What Dream or Goal Do You Have That We Haven’t Talked About Enough?

In the early days of a relationship, couples spend hours discussing their dreams, aspirations, and visions for the future. But as marriage settles into routine, these conversations often disappear beneath the weight of logistics: whose turn it is to grocery shop, whether you can afford to repair the roof, and what you’re doing for the holidays. Before you know it, years have passed since you’ve had a meaningful conversation about your individual and shared dreams.

This question resurrects those conversations and makes space for aspirations that might feel too vulnerable, impractical, or intimidating to bring up during regular day-to-day life. Maybe your partner has been fantasizing about a career change but fears your judgment. Perhaps they dream of going back to school, starting a creative project, or pursuing a passion that seems frivolous. They might want to have deeper conversations about faith, explore living somewhere new, or finally work through a difficult relationship with a family member.

What makes this question especially powerful is the acknowledgment that some dreams haven’t been discussed enough. You’re not assuming ignorance of each other’s goals; you’re recognizing that some aspirations need more airtime, more serious consideration, and more mutual planning. This framing invites your partner to bring up dreams you might have dismissed too quickly or goals that have evolved since you last discussed them.

How to discuss this productively: Resist the immediate urge to problem-solve, budget-analyze, or reality-check your partner’s dreams. Your first job is to listen with enthusiasm and curiosity. Let them paint the full picture of what they’re imagining without interruption. Ask questions that help them elaborate: “What would achieving this look like?” “Why is this important to you?” “How long have you been thinking about this?”

After they’ve fully shared, and only after, you can begin discussing practical considerations. But frame these discussions as “How can we make this happen?” rather than “Here’s why this won’t work.” Even if a dream seems impossible right now, brainstorm small steps you could take toward it or modified versions that might be more achievable. The goal is for your partner to feel heard, supported, and like you’re on their team—even if you can’t immediately make every dream a reality.

Question 4: What Conflict or Issue Between Us Needs More Attention?

This is the question many couples dread, but it’s also the one that can save your marriage from death by a thousand paper cuts. Every relationship has recurring conflicts—those arguments that keep resurfacing with different content but the same underlying patterns. Maybe you fight about money, how to split household responsibilities, how much time you spend with extended family, or differences in sexual desire. These issues don’t disappear through avoidance; they fester and create resentment.

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What makes this question effective is that it normalizes conflict as an inherent part of marriage rather than a sign of failure. You’re not asking “Are we having problems?”—of course you are; everyone is. You’re asking “Which problem needs our focused attention and effort?” This framing makes the conversation feel more manageable and less threatening.

The Gottman Institute’s research has found that 69% of relationship problems are perpetual, meaning they’re based on fundamental personality differences or lifestyle preferences that won’t simply resolve. The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict but to manage ongoing disagreements in healthy ways and ensure no issue is being chronically neglected.

How to discuss this productively: Start by each sharing one conflict or issue that you feel needs more attention. Don’t ambush your partner with a laundry list; choose the most important item. Then, take turns speaking without interruption while the other person practices active listening.

Here’s the crucial part: focus on understanding before solving. Many conflicts persist not because there’s no solution but because neither partner feels truly heard. Use phrases like “Help me understand why this is so important to you” and “What would change about this situation would make the biggest difference to you?”

Also, distinguish between problems that can be solved and perpetual problems that need better management. If you have different sex drives, you likely can’t make them identical, but you can find creative compromises, schedule intimacy more intentionally, and ensure both partners’ needs are being considered. If one partner is naturally neat and the other is messy, you probably won’t completely change each other, but you can negotiate zones of responsibility and standards you both can live with.

Finally, commit to a concrete action plan. Don’t let this be just a venting session. Identify one or two specific changes you’ll each make, schedule a follow-up conversation, or decide to bring in outside help like a couples therapist if the issue feels stuck.

Question 5: How Can We Improve Our Intimacy—Both Physical and Emotional?

Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are often discussed separately, but in healthy marriages, they’re deeply interconnected. Physical intimacy without emotional connection can feel hollow and transactional. Emotional intimacy without physical expression can feel incomplete for many people. This question invites you to examine both dimensions and how they’re interacting in your relationship.

In my practice, I’ve noticed that couples often stop talking honestly about sex and emotional closeness once they’ve been together for several years. There’s an assumption that you’ve figured out your rhythm and nothing more needs to be said. But desire changes, bodies change, stress levels fluctuate, and emotional needs evolve. What worked beautifully three years ago might feel stale or inadequate now.

The beauty of this question is that it’s positively framed. You’re not asking “What’s wrong with our sex life?” You’re asking “How can we make something good even better?” This removes defensiveness and creates space for creative thinking rather than criticism.

How to discuss this productively: Start with emotional intimacy because, for many people, improving physical intimacy becomes easier once they feel more emotionally connected. Ask each other: “When do you feel most emotionally close to me?” “What conversations do you wish we had more often?” “What would help you feel more vulnerable and open with me?”

Then, approach physical intimacy with the same openness. Discuss what’s working well and what you’d like to explore. Talk about frequency, spontaneity versus planning, initiation patterns, and specific activities you enjoy or would like to try. Be honest about any physical changes, insecurities, or desires that have shifted.

This is also an opportunity to discuss barriers to intimacy. Maybe stress from work is killing your libido. Perhaps body image issues are making you feel less confident. Maybe you’re exhausted from childcare and need better systems to create time and energy for connection. Identifying these barriers together allows you to problem-solve as a team rather than blaming each other.

Remember that good intimacy—both types—requires honesty, playfulness, and a willingness to be vulnerable. If this conversation feels too difficult to have alone, a sex therapist or couples counselor can provide valuable guidance.

Question 6: Are We Spending Our Time and Energy in Ways That Reflect Our Shared Values?

This question cuts to the heart of whether your daily life aligns with what you claim to prioritize. Many couples say that family is their top value but spend most evenings on separate devices. Others claim they value adventure and growth but haven’t taken a meaningful trip or tried anything new together in years. Still others say they value financial security but have no budget and accumulate debt through unexamined spending patterns.

The disconnect between values and actions happens gradually. You don’t wake up one day and decide to abandon your priorities; you make a thousand small decisions that slowly pull you away from what matters most. Work demands increase, children’s activities multiply, social media steals attention, and suddenly you’re living a life that doesn’t reflect your deepest commitments.

This annual question forces you to zoom out and examine your life from a bird’s-eye view. Are you spending time and energy on what truly matters to both of you, or have you gotten swept up in urgency at the expense of importance?

How to discuss this productively: Start by articulating your shared values. What do you both agree is most important in life? Common values include family connection, personal growth, financial security, adventure, community contribution, spiritual development, health, and creativity. Identify your top three to five shared values.

Then, honestly assess how your current life reflects these values. If “quality family time” is a top value, how much distraction-free time are you actually spending together? If “health” matters, how are your eating, exercise, and sleep habits? If “financial security” is crucial, are you making deliberate financial decisions?

Look for misalignments without judgment. Remember, you’re not bad people for getting off track—you’re human. The goal is to identify gaps and make adjustments. Maybe you need to dramatically limit screen time in the evenings. Perhaps you need to simplify your schedule by cutting activities that aren’t truly serving you. You might need to have harder conversations about work-life balance or make different financial choices.

Create concrete changes based on this discussion. If you discover you’re not living according to your values, decide on one to three specific shifts you’ll make in the coming year. Be realistic—you can’t overhaul everything at once—but commit to meaningful changes that will bring your life into better alignment with what you claim matters most.

Question 7: What Do I Do That Hurts or Frustrates You, Even If I Don’t Mean To?

This question requires tremendous courage from both partners. You’re asking your spouse to tell you something difficult, and you’re committing to receiving that feedback with openness rather than defensiveness. At the same time, you’re offering your partner the gift of insight into how they’re affecting you—information they need if they’re going to love you better.

None of us are perfect partners. We all have habits, patterns, and behaviors that frustrate or hurt our spouse, often without realizing it. Maybe you interrupt them constantly during conversations. Perhaps you make dismissive comments about their interests or feelings. You might prioritize work over family time, forget important dates, or criticize their appearance in ways you think are helpful but actually erode their confidence.

The key phrase in this question is “even if I don’t mean to.” You’re not asking your partner to catalog your malicious actions; you’re acknowledging that good intentions don’t erase negative impacts. This framing helps the person receiving feedback remember that their partner isn’t attacking them—they’re asking for change in specific behaviors.

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How to discuss this productively: The person giving feedback should be specific and focus on behaviors rather than character attacks. Instead of “You’re selfish,” try “When you make plans without checking with me first, I feel like my time doesn’t matter to you.” Instead of “You’re always critical,” try “When you point out what I did wrong before acknowledging what went well, I feel discouraged and like I can’t do anything right.”

The person receiving feedback needs to practice what therapists call “non-defensive listening.” This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your partner says, but it does mean you don’t immediately explain, justify, or counterattack. Take deep breaths, remind yourself that your partner is trying to improve the relationship, and ask clarifying questions: “Can you give me a specific example?” “What would be more helpful?” “When I do this, how does it make you feel?”

After both partners have shared, resist the urge to immediately change the subject or move on. Sit with what you’ve learned. Thank your partner for their honesty. Commit to working on the behaviors they’ve identified, and ask them to gently point it out when you slip into old patterns.

One warning: if this conversation reveals serious issues like contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling—what the Gottmans call the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown—you may need professional support to address them effectively.

Question 8: What Do You Need More of From Me? What Do You Need Less Of?

This question is brilliantly efficient because it addresses both addition and subtraction—what to amplify and what to minimize. Many couples focus exclusively on what needs to stop without identifying what should increase, or vice versa. Both perspectives are necessary for a complete picture of how to improve your relationship.

What makes this question particularly useful is that it moves beyond vague dissatisfaction toward actionable requests. Instead of “I wish we were happier,” your partner might say “I need more evenings where we cook dinner together and talk without distractions” and “I need less time spent discussing work problems right before bed.” These concrete requests give you a clear path forward.

The “more” and “less” framework also helps balance the conversation. If your partner asks for less of something you do, it can feel entirely critical. But when paired with what they want more of, it creates a more complete and hopeful picture.

How to discuss this productively: When answering “What do I need more of?”, think about specific actions, not just feelings. Instead of “I need more love,” identify how love is expressed in ways that resonate with you: “I need more physical affection—hugs, hand-holding, kisses hello and goodbye” or “I need more time where you’re fully present, not checking your phone.”

Similarly, when addressing “What do I need less of?”, be specific about behaviors rather than personality traits. Not “I need you to be less annoying,” but “I need less teasing about my weight” or “I need fewer last-minute changes to our plans without discussion.”

After both partners share their answers, look for patterns and priorities. You can’t immediately double some behaviors and eliminate others overnight, so identify the most important requests from each person and focus on those first. Commit to checking in monthly about whether you’re successfully making these adjustments.

Also, be realistic about capacity. If your partner needs more quality time but you’re working two jobs to pay the bills, that’s a larger systemic problem you’ll need to address together. Don’t promise what you can’t deliver, but do brainstorm creative solutions to meet each other’s needs within your current constraints.

Question 9: What Should We Be Celebrating That We Haven’t Acknowledged Enough?

In the relentless pace of modern life, couples often rush past their victories without pausing to celebrate them. You survived a difficult year. You supported each other through a health crisis. You successfully navigated a major life transition. You’ve been married for another year—which, in a world where half of marriages end in divorce, is genuinely an achievement worth honoring.

This question serves multiple purposes. First, it cultivates gratitude, which research consistently shows is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. Second, it helps you recognize your progress and resilience, which builds confidence in your ability to face future challenges. Third, it identifies what’s going well so you can do more of it.

Many couples fall into a negative bias, where they notice problems but overlook successes. This question corrects that imbalance by forcing you to actively search for wins—both individual and shared. Maybe your partner finally set better boundaries at work. Perhaps you both learned to fight more constructively. You might have created a new tradition together, survived a challenging season with your in-laws, or made significant progress on a shared goal.

How to discuss this productively: Each partner should identify both personal accomplishments (“I’m proud that I started therapy this year and worked on my anxiety”) and shared victories (“We successfully blended our families during the holidays with less conflict than previous years”).

Don’t dismiss or minimize your accomplishments or each other’s. Resist the urge to immediately move into “but we still need to…” Let yourself feel good about what you’ve achieved. If your partner shares something they’re proud of, express genuine enthusiasm and pride in them. This isn’t competition; you’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders.

After identifying what deserves celebration, actually celebrate it. This doesn’t have to mean expensive dinners or elaborate parties. Sometimes the best celebration is simply acknowledging “We did something hard, and we did it together. I’m grateful for you and proud of us.” You might raise a glass, write notes of appreciation to each other, or plan a special evening to honor your growth.

This practice of intentional celebration creates positive momentum in your relationship. It reminds you that marriage isn’t just about solving problems—it’s about building a life together and acknowledging the meaningful work you’re doing.

Question 10: What’s One Thing We Can Do Together This Year That Would Strengthen Our Marriage?

This future-focused question ensures your annual check-in doesn’t just process the past but actively shapes the coming year. It moves you from reflection to action, from diagnosis to prescription. After discussing challenges, growth, and needs, you’re now identifying a concrete commitment that will make your marriage stronger.

The power of this question lies in its collaborative nature. You’re not demanding change from your partner or creating separate improvement plans; you’re choosing something you’ll pursue together. This shared goal becomes a unifying project that requires teamwork, mutual support, and collective effort.

The “one thing” aspect is also crucial. Couples often leave relationship conversations with ambitious lists of improvements they want to make, then feel overwhelmed and do nothing. By identifying a single, focused priority, you dramatically increase the likelihood of actually following through.

This could take many forms depending on your relationship’s needs. Maybe you commit to weekly date nights. Perhaps you enroll in a couples workshop or start therapy together. You might plan a meaningful trip, take on a joint project like renovating a room or training for a race together, implement a shared spiritual practice, or establish new communication rituals like morning coffee conversations or evening walks.

How to discuss this productively: Start by brainstorming separately. What would make the biggest positive difference in your marriage this year? Don’t censor yourself—write down every idea that comes to mind, even ones that seem impractical or unlikely.

Then share your lists and look for overlap. You might discover you both want essentially the same thing, just expressed differently. Or you might have completely different ideas, which gives you information about what each of you perceives as most important.

Discuss the pros and cons of different options. Consider what’s realistically achievable given your time, energy, and resources. Some questions to ask: Does this address our biggest need? Will this actually bring us closer? Can we realistically commit to this? How will we hold ourselves accountable?

Once you’ve chosen your one thing, get specific about implementation. Don’t just say “We’ll prioritize date nights”—decide on the frequency, who’s responsible for planning, whether you’ll budget for it, and what you’ll do if life gets busy. Create systems that make success more likely. Put recurring reminders on your calendars, tell friends about your commitment for accountability, or schedule regular check-ins to assess progress.

Creating Your Annual Check-In Ritual

Now that you know the ten questions, let’s discuss how to actually implement this practice in a way that feels meaningful rather than like an obligation or interrogation.

Timing matters. Choose a time that works for both of you and feels symbolically appropriate. Many couples do this on their anniversary, at New Year’s, or during a birthday month. Avoid doing this during particularly stressful periods or when either of you is depleted. You want to be at your best for this conversation.

Location matters. Don’t have this conversation while doing dishes or during commercial breaks. Create a special environment. Some couples book a night away at a hotel or cabin. Others schedule a long, uninterrupted afternoon at home after hiring a babysitter. You might go for a hike together or have a long dinner at a meaningful restaurant. The key is removing normal distractions and creating a space that signals “this conversation is important.”

Preparation matters. Give each other these questions in advance so you both have time to think. This isn’t an ambush or a pop quiz; it’s a mutual check-in. Having time to reflect ensures deeper, more thoughtful responses.

Attitude matters. Approach this conversation with curiosity, compassion, and a genuine desire to strengthen your marriage—not with a list of grievances or a desire to win arguments. You’re on the same team. The goal is understanding and growth, not blame.

Follow-through matters. Don’t let this be just a nice conversation that leads nowhere. Take notes. Identify concrete action items. Schedule follow-up discussions to assess progress. The annual check-in is valuable, but the real transformation happens in the daily choices you make based on what you learned.

When These Conversations Reveal Bigger Problems

Sometimes, asking these ten questions will surface issues that can’t be resolved in a single conversation or through individual effort. You might discover fundamental incompatibilities, deep resentments, betrayals that need healing, or patterns that require professional intervention. This doesn’t mean your annual check-in failed—quite the opposite. Identifying serious problems is a success because it allows you to address them rather than letting them silently destroy your marriage.

If your check-in reveals that you need additional support, don’t hesitate to seek it. Couples therapy isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a sign that you care enough about your marriage to invest in it. A skilled therapist can help you navigate difficult conversations, break destructive patterns, and develop skills for lasting connection.

Similarly, if one partner discovers they need individual therapy to address personal issues that are affecting the marriage—past trauma, mental health challenges, addiction, or unresolved family-of-origin issues—that’s valuable information. Supporting each other’s individual healing often strengthens the marriage.

The Long-Term Impact of Annual Check-Ins

I’ve seen couples transform their marriages through the consistent practice of annual check-ins. What starts as a slightly awkward, uncomfortable conversation gradually becomes a cherished tradition—a time when they reconnect deeply, recalibrate their relationship, and remember why they chose each other.

Over the years, you’ll accumulate a history of these conversations. You’ll see patterns in your growth, celebrate how you’ve navigated challenges, and develop increasing skill at having difficult conversations with love and respect. Issues that would have derailed you in year three of marriage become manageable by year ten because you’ve built strong communication muscles.

Your annual check-ins also model healthy relationship practices for your children, if you have them. When kids see parents who intentionally invest in their marriage, who talk openly about growth and challenges, and who treat their relationship as something worthy of care and attention, they learn what healthy partnerships look like.

Most importantly, this practice keeps you from becoming strangers who happen to live together. It ensures that even as you change and grow, you’re doing so together rather than apart. You’re staying curious about each other, supporting each other’s evolution, and actively choosing your marriage year after year.

Your Marriage Is Worth the Investment

Marriage is the longest relationship most people will ever have—longer than your relationship with your parents, your children, or your closest friends. Yet it’s often the relationship we invest in the least intentionally. We assume that love should be enough, that good marriages just naturally happen, or that if we have to work at it, something must be wrong.

But the truth is that the best marriages are built, not found. They’re created through thousands of small, intentional choices to show up, to listen, to grow, to forgive, and to keep choosing each other. Annual check-ins are one of those intentional practices that separate thriving marriages from ones that merely survive.

So schedule your first annual check-in. Block out the time, prepare the questions, create a meaningful setting, and show up with an open heart. Be honest about what’s not working, celebrate what is, and commit to growing together. Your marriage—and your partner—is worth it.

Remember, asking these ten questions once won’t solve everything or guarantee a perfect marriage. But asking them every year, with sincerity and a genuine desire to understand and support each other, will keep your relationship growing, evolving, and deepening. Year after year, you’ll build a marriage characterized not by the absence of problems but by the presence of love, commitment, and the willingness to do the work that matters most.

Your marriage is a living relationship that needs regular tending. These ten questions are your annual gardening ritual—pulling weeds, watering what needs nourishment, and celebrating the beautiful things that have bloomed. Don’t wait for a crisis to have these conversations. Start this practice now, and watch your marriage flourish.