10 Things Strong Marriages Have in Common (Do You Have Them?)

Every couple dreams of a marriage that stands the test of time—one filled with love, respect, and genuine partnership. But what separates marriages that thrive from those that merely survive? After working with hundreds of couples and studying successful long-term relationships, I’ve identified ten fundamental characteristics that strong marriages consistently share.

The beautiful thing about these qualities? They’re not about luck or fate. They’re about intentional choices and daily practices that any couple can develop. As you read through this article, I encourage you to honestly assess your own relationship. Which of these elements do you already have? Which ones need more attention?

Let’s dive into the ten essential ingredients of lasting, fulfilling marriages.

1. They Communicate Openly and Honestly (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)

Strong marriages don’t just happen—they’re built on a foundation of genuine communication. But here’s what many couples get wrong: they think communication means talking more. In reality, it’s about talking better.

What Real Communication Looks Like

In healthy marriages, partners share not just the highlights of their day, but their fears, disappointments, and vulnerabilities. They create a safe space where both people can express themselves without fear of judgment or dismissal. This means discussing difficult topics like finances, intimacy concerns, parenting disagreements, or career stress before they become explosive issues.

The strongest couples I’ve worked with have regular “check-in” conversations. These aren’t formal meetings—they’re natural moments where both partners ask “How are we doing?” and genuinely want to hear the answer. They don’t wait for problems to escalate before addressing them.

The Listening Component

Communication isn’t just about speaking—it’s equally about listening with your full attention. Strong marriages feature partners who put down their phones, make eye contact, and truly hear what their spouse is saying. They listen to understand, not to formulate their next argument.

When your partner shares something important, do you stop what you’re doing? Do you ask follow-up questions that show you’re engaged? Or do you offer quick fixes and change the subject? These small behaviors make enormous differences.

How to Improve This in Your Marriage

Start with micro-commitments. Set aside just ten minutes each day for distraction-free conversation. No phones, no TV, just the two of you. Share one thing that worried you and one thing that brought you joy. Practice reflecting back what you hear: “What I’m hearing is that you felt overwhelmed when…” This simple technique can transform your communication patterns.

2. They Maintain Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Intimacy is the glue that keeps marriages strong, and I’m talking about far more than just physical connection. While sexual intimacy certainly matters, emotional intimacy—that deep sense of being truly known and accepted by another person—is what sustains relationships through decades.

Beyond the Bedroom

Strong marriages feature partners who remain curious about each other. They don’t assume they know everything about their spouse just because they’ve been together for years. They ask questions, share dreams, and continue discovering new layers of each other’s personalities.

Physical affection outside the bedroom also plays a crucial role. Successful couples hold hands, hug regularly, kiss goodbye and hello, and maintain physical closeness throughout their daily lives. These small touches release oxytocin—the bonding hormone—and reinforce your connection continuously.

Keeping the Spark Alive

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: sexual intimacy requires intention in long-term relationships. Life gets busy. Stress accumulates. Bodies change. The couples with the strongest marriages prioritize their intimate lives even when it’s not convenient. They schedule date nights, create romantic moments, and maintain their physical relationship as a priority, not an afterthought.

This doesn’t mean forcing something that doesn’t feel right—it means making your intimate connection important enough to nurture actively. It means having honest conversations about needs, desires, and any challenges you’re facing in this area.

Building Greater Intimacy

Try the “36 Questions to Fall in Love” exercise with your spouse, even if you’ve been together for decades. Share something you appreciate about your partner every day. Practice non-sexual physical affection—a back rub with no expectations, holding hands during a movie, or cuddling before sleep. These practices rebuild intimacy incrementally but powerfully.

3. They Choose Respect Over Being Right

In my years as a relationship expert, I’ve noticed that successful couples have mastered a crucial skill: they value their relationship more than winning arguments. They’ve learned that being right isn’t worth making their partner feel small, dismissed, or disrespected.

What Respect Actually Means

Respect in marriage means treating your partner as an equal teammate, even during disagreements. It means no name-calling, no insults, and no bringing up past mistakes to score points in current arguments. It means acknowledging that your partner’s perspective has validity, even when it differs from yours.

Strong couples don’t mock each other’s interests, belittle their feelings, or dismiss their concerns—privately or publicly. They understand that respect is the oxygen of relationships; without it, everything else suffocates.

The Art of Disagreeing Well

Every couple argues. The difference is that strong marriages have learned to fight fair. They attack problems, not each other. They use “I feel” statements instead of “You always” accusations. They take breaks when emotions run too high and return to the conversation when they can engage productively.

They also know how to apologize genuinely. Not the defensive “I’m sorry you feel that way” non-apology, but sincere acknowledgment of their mistakes: “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said that. How can I make this right?”

Cultivating Mutual Respect

Start by banishing four toxic communication patterns from your marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman calls these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because they predict divorce with alarming accuracy. When you feel yourself sliding into these patterns, pause, breathe, and choose a more respectful approach.

Remember: your spouse isn’t your enemy. They’re your partner in navigating life’s challenges together.

4. They Share Core Values and Life Goals

You don’t need to agree on everything—in fact, some differences make relationships more interesting. But strong marriages are built on alignment in the areas that truly matter: fundamental values, life priorities, and long-term goals.

The Foundation of Compatibility

Successful couples typically share similar views on the “big stuff”: how to handle money, whether to have children and how to raise them, religious or spiritual beliefs, and general lifestyle preferences. They’ve had deep conversations about what they want their lives to look like in five, ten, or twenty years, and they’re working toward those visions together.

This doesn’t happen by accident. Strong couples regularly revisit their goals and dreams, adjusting as circumstances change. They see themselves as a team with a shared mission, not two individuals with competing agendas.

When Values Differ

Even in the strongest marriages, partners sometimes discover differing values or changing priorities. The key is how they handle these differences. Do they respect each other’s perspectives? Do they look for compromises? Do they make space for individual growth while maintaining their partnership?

One couple I counseled had different religious backgrounds. Rather than fighting about whose faith was “right,” they created a household that honored both traditions and raised their children with exposure to both perspectives. This required deep respect, ongoing communication, and commitment to their shared value of family unity.

Aligning Your Marriage

Have an honest conversation about your core values. What matters most to each of you? Where do you see your life together in ten years? How do you define success? What legacy do you want to leave? Write these down individually, then share them. Find your common ground and discuss how to navigate your differences with respect and creativity.

5. They Maintain Independence Within Partnership

This might seem contradictory, but here’s a truth about strong marriages: the healthiest couples maintain their individual identities while building a life together. They understand that “two becoming one” doesn’t mean erasing yourself—it means bringing your whole, authentic self to the partnership.

The Danger of Losing Yourself

I’ve seen too many marriages where one or both partners gradually abandoned their interests, friendships, and personal goals to merge completely with their spouse. Initially, this might feel romantic—proof of devotion and commitment. But over time, this creates resentment, boredom, and a loss of the very qualities that attracted you to each other originally.

Strong marriages feature two complete individuals who choose to share their lives. Each partner maintains hobbies, friendships outside the marriage, and personal development goals. They support each other’s individual growth because they understand that becoming your best self makes you a better partner.

The Balance of Togetherness and Autonomy

This isn’t about living separate lives under one roof—it’s about healthy interdependence. You’re deeply connected and committed, yet you don’t need your partner to complete you. You have your own interests that your spouse might not share, and that’s perfectly okay.

Maybe one of you loves hiking while the other prefers art museums. Perhaps you have a weekly game night with friends while your spouse has a book club. These individual pursuits don’t threaten your marriage—they enrich it. You bring fresh experiences, perspectives, and energy back to the relationship.

Creating Healthy Independence

Encourage your spouse’s individual interests and friendships. Celebrate their personal achievements. Make time for activities you each enjoy separately, without guilt or resentment. Trust your partner to have experiences outside your marriage that make them happier, more interesting, and more fulfilled.

Remember: you fell in love with a complete person, not someone who needed you to make them whole. Honor that person by supporting their continued growth and independence.

6. They Practice Forgiveness and Let Go of Grudges

No marriage exists without hurt feelings, disappointments, and mistakes. The difference between thriving marriages and struggling ones? Strong couples have mastered the art of genuine forgiveness.

What Real Forgiveness Looks Like

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending hurt never happened or excusing harmful behavior. It means choosing to release resentment and move forward rather than using past mistakes as weapons in future conflicts. It means saying “We dealt with this, we learned from it, and now we’re moving on.”

In strong marriages, partners apologize sincerely and accept apologies graciously. They don’t keep scorecards of who wronged whom more often. They don’t weaponize past conflicts during new disagreements. They understand that holding grudges poisons relationships from the inside out.

The Compound Effect of Resentment

Unresolved resentments accumulate like interest on a loan. That time your partner forgot your birthday three years ago? If you haven’t truly forgiven them, it’s still coloring how you view them today. That financial decision you disagreed with? Still influencing your trust levels if you haven’t worked through it.

I’ve counseled couples whose current conflicts were actually about issues from five or ten years earlier that were never properly resolved. The surface argument might be about dinner plans, but the real issue is unhealed hurt from a past betrayal of trust.

Related Post: 9 Signs It’s Time To Close The Distance (And How To Plan It)

Moving Toward Forgiveness

Start by acknowledging hurt feelings instead of minimizing them. “I forgive you” is meaningless if you haven’t first said “What you did hurt me.” Then, decide consciously to forgive—not for your partner’s sake, but for your own peace and the health of your marriage.

This doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering without pain, anger, or the desire for revenge. It means learning from past mistakes to build a stronger future together.

If you’re struggling to forgive a significant betrayal, couples therapy can provide the tools and space to work through complex hurt. Some wounds require professional support to heal properly.

7. They Support Each Other’s Dreams and Ambitions

Strong marriages feature partners who are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. They celebrate successes, provide comfort during setbacks, and actively support each other’s personal and professional goals.

Being Your Partner’s Advocate

In healthy marriages, you’re genuinely excited about your spouse’s achievements. When they get a promotion, you celebrate together. When they want to pursue a new hobby or career change, you discuss how to make it work rather than listing all the reasons it won’t. When they’re nervous about a presentation or interview, you offer encouragement and confidence.

This support isn’t conditional on whether the dream directly benefits you. Maybe your partner wants to train for a marathon, start a business, or go back to school. These pursuits might temporarily create inconvenience—less time together, financial strain, or adjusted household responsibilities. Strong couples work through these challenges because they value their partner’s growth and fulfillment.

Dealing With Conflicting Dreams

Sometimes, partners’ ambitions conflict. One wants to move for a job opportunity; the other has deep roots in your current location. One dreams of early retirement and simple living; the other wants to build an empire. These situations require honest communication, creative problem-solving, and sometimes, difficult compromises.

The strongest couples approach these conflicts as problems to solve together, not competitions to win. They ask: “How can we honor both of our needs? What creative solutions exist that we haven’t considered? What matters most to us as a couple?”

Becoming Each Other’s Champion

Make a practice of asking about your partner’s goals and dreams regularly. What are they working toward? What challenges are they facing? How can you help? Then follow through with concrete support—whether that’s taking on extra household duties during their busy season, providing emotional encouragement, or brainstorming solutions to obstacles they’re facing.

Celebrate the small wins along the way, not just the major achievements. Acknowledge the effort and progress, not just the outcomes. Your consistent support creates a foundation of mutual respect and partnership that strengthens your entire marriage.

8. They Have Shared Responsibilities and Fair Division of Labor

One of the most common sources of resentment in modern marriages? Unfair distribution of household labor and mental load. Strong marriages have figured out how to share life’s responsibilities in ways that feel equitable to both partners.

Beyond “Helping Out”

Here’s a critical distinction: in strong marriages, both partners are responsible for the home and family—not one person doing it all while the other “helps out.” The language we use matters. You don’t “babysit” your own children. You don’t “help” with chores in your own home. You manage your shared life together.

Successful couples have open conversations about who does what and why. They recognize that fairness doesn’t always mean 50/50 splits—sometimes one partner carries more during certain seasons of life (new baby, illness, demanding work project), but the overall pattern feels balanced over time.

The Invisible Mental Load

Strong marriages also address the mental load—the constant planning, remembering, and organizing that keeps households running. It’s not just doing the laundry; it’s remembering that you’re almost out of detergent, adding it to the shopping list, and knowing which brand works best for your family.

Many marriages struggle because one partner (statistically, often the woman) carries most of this invisible burden while the other partner only handles tasks when explicitly asked. This creates exhaustion and resentment. Strong couples distribute both physical tasks and mental responsibility more equitably.

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Creating Fairness in Your Marriage

Have an honest conversation about your current division of labor. List everything that needs to happen to keep your household running—from paying bills to meal planning to scheduling doctor appointments. Then discuss who currently handles each task and whether that distribution feels fair to both of you.

Look for creative solutions that play to each person’s strengths and preferences. Maybe one of you handles all outdoor maintenance while the other manages indoor tasks. Perhaps you hire help for things neither of you wants to do. The key is finding an arrangement that both partners feel good about.

9. They Prioritize Quality Time Together

Life gets busy. Work demands attention. Children need care. Extended family requires engagement. Social obligations pile up. In the chaos of modern life, strong marriages carve out intentional, quality time for the relationship itself.

Date Nights Aren’t Optional

I can’t count how many couples tell me they’re “too busy” for regular date nights. Yet these same couples find time for work meetings, gym sessions, and social media scrolling. The truth? We make time for what we prioritize.

Strong marriages treat couple time as non-negotiable. This doesn’t require expensive dinners or elaborate plans—it requires showing up for each other consistently. Maybe it’s a weekly walk around the neighborhood, a monthly cooking project together, or a standing Sunday morning breakfast ritual. The activity matters less than the intention behind it.

Presence Over Presence

Quality time means being mentally and emotionally present, not just physically in the same room. It means putting phones away, making eye contact, and engaging fully with your partner. It means asking questions you actually want to hear answered and sharing thoughts you normally keep to yourself.

Some of the strongest couples I know have “technology-free” hours where they focus solely on each other. Others have annual trips—just the two of them—where they reconnect away from daily responsibilities. They understand that relationships are like plants: they require consistent nurturing to thrive.

The Everyday Moments Matter Too

Quality time isn’t just about special occasions. It’s also in the mundane moments—cooking dinner together, debriefing your days, laughing at an inside joke, or watching your favorite show side by side. Strong couples infuse ordinary activities with connection and presence.

Making Time Work

Schedule your couple time like you schedule important work meetings. Put it on the calendar. Protect it from other obligations. If money is tight, create free date ideas—hiking, picnics, home movie nights, or exploring new neighborhoods together. If time is limited, start with just 20 minutes of dedicated connection daily.

Your relationship is your longest-term investment. Give it the time and attention it deserves.

10. They Face Challenges as a Team

Life brings inevitable challenges: financial stress, health issues, career setbacks, parenting struggles, loss of loved ones, and countless other difficulties. What separates strong marriages from fragile ones? The strongest couples face these challenges together, as unified partners rather than opponents.

The “Us Against the Problem” Mentality

When crisis hits, strong couples instinctively turn toward each other, not against each other. They adopt an “us against the problem” mindset rather than blaming each other or retreating into isolation. They recognize that external pressures can either strengthen or fracture their bond—and they consciously choose strengthening.

This doesn’t mean they agree on everything or handle stress identically. One partner might need to talk through problems while the other needs quiet processing time. But they respect each other’s coping styles and find ways to support each other through difficult seasons.

Learning and Growing From Adversity

Strong marriages don’t just survive challenges—they emerge stronger because of them. Couples who weather storms together often report feeling more connected, more resilient, and more confident in their partnership afterward. They’ve proven to themselves that they can handle difficulty without falling apart.

These couples also learn from their struggles. After a major conflict or crisis, they debrief: What worked well? What didn’t? How can we handle this better next time? They use challenges as opportunities to strengthen their problem-solving skills and deepen their understanding of each other.

Building Your Team Mentality

Practice seeing problems as external challenges to solve together rather than flaws in your partner. When stress arises, ask yourselves: “How can we work on this as a team?” Acknowledge each other’s feelings and perspectives before jumping to solutions. Divide challenging tasks based on strengths and support each other through the difficult parts.

Remember that being a team doesn’t mean handling everything alone as a couple. Strong marriages also know when to seek outside help—whether that’s couples therapy, financial counseling, or support from trusted friends and family. Asking for help isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom.

Conclusion: Building Your Strong Marriage

As we’ve explored these ten characteristics of strong marriages, you might have identified areas where your relationship is thriving and others that need attention. That’s perfectly normal—no marriage excels at everything all the time.

The beautiful truth about these qualities? They’re all learnable skills, not genetic lottery wins. Communication can improve. Intimacy can be rekindled. Forgiveness can be practiced. Fair division of labor can be negotiated. You’re not stuck with the marriage you have today—you can actively build the marriage you want.

Your Next Steps

Start small. Choose one characteristic from this list that resonated most strongly with you. Discuss it with your partner. Ask yourselves honestly: “Where are we on this? Where do we want to be? What’s one small step we can take this week to improve?”

Maybe that means scheduling a weekly 15-minute check-in conversation. Perhaps it’s creating a more equitable chore distribution. It might mean planning your first date night in months or having a vulnerable conversation you’ve been avoiding. Whatever it is, take that first step together.

Remember: Strong Marriages Are Built Daily

The couples with the strongest marriages aren’t lucky—they’re intentional. They make small, consistent choices every day that prioritize their relationship. They choose connection over convenience. They choose vulnerability over self-protection. They choose partnership over ego.

You have the power to build the marriage you dream of. It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be perfect—no marriage is. But with commitment, intention, and the willingness to grow together, you can create a relationship characterized by deep love, genuine respect, and lasting partnership.

Your marriage deserves that investment. You deserve that investment. And the life you’ll build together—rooted in these strong foundations—will be richer, more fulfilling, and more resilient than you can imagine.

Related Post: 8 Secrets to Keeping Romance Alive After 10 Years of Marriage

Take a moment right now: Think about one specific action you’ll take this week to strengthen your marriage. Write it down. Share it with your partner. Then do it. Your future selves—happily married decades from now—will thank you for starting today.

What characteristic of strong marriages do you most want to develop in your relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—your story might inspire another couple on their journey to a stronger marriage.